


i wanna be somebody to someone (someone to you)

by sunsetcurbed



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crushes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Light Angst, M/M, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29664501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetcurbed/pseuds/sunsetcurbed
Summary: College. University. Higher education. Et cetera, et cetera.Alex had doubts that he’d ever actually get here, but… he’s here, he did it, he’s moving in.Last year his parents thought maybe he’d commute since the drive was only about thirty minutes, but Alex… well. It’s not that he didn’t love his parents. He did. They really cared about him. They really wanted good things for him. They really wanted him to be happy and healthy. They just… had different opinions on what would make him happy. And what were good things. And they didn’t care for some of the things that he cared for. Like his music. Or his band. And they really didn’t care for him being—“Hey, uh, sorry I smashed into you. I’m, uh, Willie.”—… him being gay.(*)(or: the college AU)
Relationships: Alex Mercer & Julie Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie Peters, Alex Mercer/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Flynn & Alex Mercer & Julie Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie Peters, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 178
Kudos: 184





	1. close my eyes and jump

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I have been researching UCLA and watching UCLA dorm and campus tours as research for this fic and man did I choose the wrong college to go to. (My bank account and smaller student loans will thank me, but still.) 
> 
> Anyways!! Hello!! I’m back with a new ‘verse!! This one has been slower going because I’ve been in the midst of college while writing it and didn’t have the inspiration to churn out 56k in a week like I did with ysmfinb. I don’t think that will ever happen again in my life. But this one went by and is almost done and now here we are!! 
> 
> This fic is about 75-85% complete and I’m going to be posting a chapter every five days. I know I did every two days with Miracles Happen BUT a) that was 100% done and b) that was being posted during the first two weeks of the semester so I had more time to edit. Now I’m in the midst of the semester and I still have 5-10k left to write for this fic. It’s currently sitting at 26k and I’m expecting it to finish up at around 30-35k. 
> 
> This fic is going to be shorter, but it's going to also be 11 chapters. The chapters are simply going to be shorter. 
> 
> I think that's about it for notes. 
> 
> Fic title from Someone To You by BANNERS. Chapter title from Bright by Julie and the Phantoms.

College. University. Higher education. Et cetera, et cetera.

Alex had doubts that he'd ever actually get here, but… he's here. He did it.

He looks at his dorm building and trails his eyes up to the third floor and settles on the window one off from the large lounge windows. His room. His parents are up there now unpacking, and he's down here to bring up even more of his stuff. He turns back to the car and pops the trunk and pulls out a plastic tub full of clothes. Deciding that he can carry more, he piles on two shoe boxes—one full of his chargers and one full of things that didn't really fit elsewhere, like his meds, his tablet pen, et cetera. He slams the trunk closed and locks the car, slips the keys in his pocket, and picks up the boxes and starts back towards the building.

Alex is moving in on the literal last possible day to move in—classes start _tomorrow_ —and he's moving in fairly late in the day. Last year his parents thought maybe he'd commute since the drive was only about forty minutes, but Alex… well. Alex had convinced them otherwise. Something about a true college experience. Something about learning responsibility. Something about immersing himself in the culture. Nothing about wanting to get out from under their eyes, even though that… may have been his main motivation. Because it's not that he didn't love his parents. He did. They really wanted him to be happy and healthy. They really wanted good things for him. They really cared about him. They just… had different opinions on what would make him happy and healthy. And what were good things. And they didn't care for some of the things that he cared for.

Like music.

Alex started drumming in fifth grade and, okay, he didn't immediately know he loved it, because percussion by itself could be pretty boring. But the first time he sat behind a drum set in the seventh grade, he knew that was _it_. He had already been pretty good at percussion by that point, but when he fell in love with the drums, his skill level skyrocketed. It wasn't like he was a prodigy or anything, he just got really good, really fast because he was always playing, always trying something new, always Googling and YouTubing new stuff. And, like, he can sing, too. He's pretty good at singing, his music teachers have told him. He's more self-conscious about singing than drumming, but he does know he can carry a tune. And then there's _writing_ … writing music… Alex started writing music in eighth grade—lyrics and melodies and harmonies and drum accompaniments and he was _good_ at it. Okay, he couldn't churn out lyrics at the rate that Luke and Julie could, but when he did write lyrics, they were good and they always meant something. They always were stories worth telling and they were told in a way that was worth listening to.

And his parents didn't care for his band.

They didn't necessarily _dislike_ his friends—his _band_ —, but they definitely would have preferred if he had spent more time with his Science Olympiad friends than his band—"it's not that they're bad people but—is Luke even going to college, honey?" Throughout high school, out of all of them they liked Julie the most. Flynn might have been a contender but she was too eccentric according to his dad. But Luke and Reggie—he'd known them since elementary school and his parents had always hoped he'd outgrow them. When they started a band in eighth grade with Julie, who they'd met in seventh grade, they thought that surely it must be a passing phase. But now, years later and dozens of successful gigs under their belt and vague interest from multiple record companies, they're still going strong. His parents have relaxed slightly because Reggie, Julie, and Flynn are all attending college with Alex, and college is good. They're especially impressed by Flynn, who is a business management major, and suddenly his dad thinks her eccentricity will make a wonderful addition to her career in marketing. He hasn't heard a word on Luke from them since college acceptance letters came out.

But the biggest thing his parents don't care for is that he's—

" _Oof!_ "

" _Wh—ow!_ "

Oh god, that hurt. He immediately grabs for his elbow, which had been rubbed raw against the concrete, and winces. Well. He thinks the Neosporin is in the et cetera shoebox at least. He looks over at his clothing container and finds the plastic in one piece thankfully. The shoeboxes are lying a few feet away, but luckily they had been secured with tape so they didn't break open during the drive, so nothing has fallen out of them. So—falling on his ass was definitely a con, but the pros happen to be that everything stayed intact and survived. That just brings him to exactly _how_ he fell on his ass, which—

"Aw, man, you dinged my board."

Alex's head whips up and he drops his jaw. He gets up. "I _dinged_ your _board_ , dude, you made me drop everything! You're lucky nothing broke!"

"Ah, yeah, you're right," the person says, and Alex looks up and gets his first glance at his face. The stranger reaches up and unclips his helmet, pulls it off, and—

And?

_And._

And—Alex isn't really sure what happens in the following seconds. There's a hair flip and a smirk and a skip in Alex's heart, and Alex doesn't know how to process any of it. He suddenly feels panicked, but something is holding him to his spot—he feels magnetized, feels drawn to this stranger in a way that is completely illogical, in a way that Alex can't fathom out in his mind. It's not even strictly in a physical sense which he'd be able to understand because—because, well. You can only be so strong against a hair flip and a smirk. But, no, his mind is screaming out too, and Alex is at a complete loss and he isn't sure where to go from here.

The stranger motions to him with a frown. "Hey, uh, sorry I smashed into you. You came out from behind that dumpster pretty quick."

Alex glances behind him and sees that, yes, there is indeed a dumpster there. He turns back to the stranger. "No, it's, uh. It's okay."

Stranger flicks his eyes to the side, then back to Alex. "So, uh, you're moving in?"

"Yeah," Alex says, and then, trying for a joke asks, "is it that obvious?"

He laughs. "Totally. Hey, I'm, uh, Willie."

 _Willie_. "Oh—uh, Alex."

There's a long pause and then Willie looks around, asking, "so what brings you to UCLA? Popular major? Research? The, uh, _diverse_ campus promoted?" Willie bounces his eyebrows on the last one.

Alex laughs and looks at the ground. "I, uh. Music. Well. Music and business. If I had it my way it'd be just music, but my parents are paying, and they don't really… _get_ the music thing… but… I'm in a band? So…"

"Really?" His eyebrows go up again. Alex thinks that maybe he should be concerned with _just_ how attractive he's finding raised eyebrows, but that's not a priority. The priority is not making himself look stupid in front of Willie.

… Oh god what if he already has?

"Yeah, uh, Julie and the Phantoms. Tell your friends."

Willie laughs and nods. "Sure." They stand together for another minute smiling at each other, and then Alex thinks of his parents up in his dorm and looks at his boxes. Willie's smile fades a little bit, but he recovers it quick, so… Alex isn't really sure if he imagined that or not. "Let me help," Willie offers, and picks up his skateboard and then goes over to collect the shoeboxes that had fallen a ways away. Alex bends down to pick up the box of clothing and Willie brings over the other boxes and sets them on top of the clothes. He motions towards the dorm. "Here, dude, let me at least swipe you in the back entrance so you don't have to go in through all the welcome committees, all right? An apology for smashing into you."

"Oh, thanks," Alex says. "I appreciate it."

"Yeah, man." Willie leads him over to the entryway and turns back to look at him. "So am I gonna see you around? Or are you the type to hole up in your room?"

"You'll probably see me around a bit," Alex says. "But there definitely will be some holing up, especially later in the semester. I get… really intense around school."

"Quarter."

"What?"

"We're on quarters here, not semesters."

"Oh, right. That's… going to take some getting used to."

Willie grins at him, and then swipes his key card and pulls open the door. "Well, I'll just have to catch you before it gets too hectic." Alex nods at him, and then starts up the stairs. "Hey." Alex turns around. "Nice socks." He looks down and sees his socks that are covered in pictures of hot dogs. Oh god, that's embarrassing. He looks back up at Willie who is grinning. "I'll catch you later, hot dog."

Alex feels his stomach flip and his heart flutter and—

—the biggest thing his parents don't care for is that he's gay.

He watches as the door shuts behind Willie, and then through the small window as Willie sets his board down and skates off, and then he's finally forced to turn around and head towards the elevators. The back entrance really was more convenient than the front doors—even though the front doors are propped open for move in day which makes it the obvious choice, the lobby is packed with people and tables and maneuvering through it is a nightmare right now.

But—back to his parents. They didn't kick him out when he came out to them, so… there's that? But his dad didn't talk to him for three days and he's pretty sure his mom cried. His dad also tried to set him up with his co-worker's daughter about two months after he came out, which… Alex had been pretty pissed about if he's being totally honest. At this point he doesn't even care if his parents like the fact that he's gay or not (well, yes he does, but that's a much deeper topic for a much later time) but they could at least acknowledge it and respect it at the minimum level, couldn't they? His mom has done an okay job. She doesn't really mention it, and she stopped outwardly scoffing at LGBTQ+ stories on the TV, but Alex knows she still isn't okay with _him_ being gay.

He rides the elevator up to the third floor and steps out, and then takes a right, and walks over to the first door on the right. It's propped open so he pushes through and sees his mom hanging some of his clothes in his closet and his dad setting his TV up on the top of the shelves that they brought. He walks over to the desk under his lofted bed and sets the boxes down. "Got the last of my clothes, I think all that's left are my books."

"I can go down and bring those up after I get your TV set up," his dad says, popping his head up from where he's connecting the TV to the cable. His parents had bought the TV without Alex knowing. He wasn't really sure how much he was going to use it—maybe he'd use it for background noise as he worked?—because he doesn't want Netflix to overtake his school work. But then again, it might be nice to have it on down days.

"Sure," Alex says. "Hey, Mom, the Neosporin is in the et cetera box, right?"

"I think so, why?" She looks over and her eyes immediately zone in on his elbow. Mom-instincts, Alex supposes. "Oh, honey! What happened?"

"Just had a little accident," Alex shrugs.

"You need to wash that out before you put anything on it; go rinse that in the bathroom and get any dirt and gravel out of it first."

Alex sighs dramatically and his mom rolls her eyes at him playfully, but he does as she says and leaves the room, walking down the hall to the bathroom. He pushes open the door and heads for the sink right on the end and turns the tap on, sticking his arm under the water.

Alex stares at himself in the mirror, thinking about what brought him to this moment, and scowls. He thought it would take longer than move-in day to develop his first college crush. Fuck, he's not even fully moved in. He's been here all of two hours, if that. And like, he doesn't even _know_ Willie, he's just like… he's cute and seems funny and nice but could actually be a horrible person who just gives off really good first impressions. Who messes with Alex's head and draws him in.

God, is this what eighteen years of repressing attraction does to you? You just fall in love with everyone left and right?

Except he hasn't fallen in love with everyone left and right. His RA is cute and nice and funny but Alex didn't fall in love with him. The guy who checked him in was cute and nice and Alex isn't in love with him. Plenty of attractive guys have been walking by but Alex hasn't been feeling his heart literally skip.

Okay, maybe he's being dramatic. He's not in love and his heart is not skipping (his heart is maybe skipping). But—he _is_ attracted to Willie. There's no arguing that. And he just—he didn't realize it could happen this fast, is all. Well, maybe he should have because Luke knew just about the second he saw Julie, and look at them now. They've been together since sophomore year and the only reason Luke hasn't proposed yet was because Julie wanted to wait until she was out of college.

Oh god, he should _not_ compare him and Willie to Luke and Julie, that's like—that's like comparing two strangers to a pair of soulmates. That's creepy. That's not fair to Willie, is it? Because like, okay, Alex may be feeling this way, but Willie in no way is feeling this way and Alex knows for a fact that it didn't take Julie long to develop feelings for Luke so that'd be operating under the assumption that Willie would develop feelings for Alex and—

He pulls his arm out from under the water and stares down at it. He's even got a physical reminder of their meeting in the form of this scrape. Every time it aches he's going to be reminded of Willie and that's… that's going to get real annoying, real fast because Alex just wants to forget about Willie. Not like, completely, but he doesn't want to be thinking of him all the time. He doesn't want to be thinking about a boy he's been around for a total of five minutes all day. He can't do that to himself and he can't do that to _Willie_. Because if he thinks about Willie all the time, he's going to start thinking about what Willie is like, and he's going to create an image in his head and it's not going to match who Willie actually is. So when they see each other again, Alex will be expecting one person and get someone completely different.

He shuts the sink off and grabs a paper towel and thinks: what if they don't meet again?

UCLA is a massive campus. There's over forty thousand students here. What are the odds they just _happen_ to run into each other again? He didn't even ask what Willie's major was, and even if he did, Alex is a freshman, so he's taking a lot of the gen ed courses and pre-reqs this year so majors barely matter at this point. He doesn't even know what year Willie is. He doesn't know where he lives, doesn't know where he hangs out, doesn't know… anything. All he knows is that he skateboards.

So… he's never going to see him again.

Great, he thinks, tossing the paper towel in the trash and heading out the door. He both _got_ and _lost_ his first college crush on his first day of college. Not even his first day of college. His pre-first day of college. Even though Willie had seemed fairly confident they would see each other around again, Alex was a realist and he knew the odds of it were slim. And sure, _slim_ didn't mean _zero_ , but… Alex also prepared himself for worst-case scenario. And worst-case scenario was that he never sees Willie again. Because even if the crush didn't develop into anything, it'd still be nice to make a friend, and Willie seemed friendly. He could do worse than Willie for his first college friend. But he wasn't going to see him again. And that also meant that he was going to have to get over him without seeing him and…

How do you get over someone you've known for a total of five minutes, have created a blindingly positive idea of in your head, and then realized you will never see again? Because Alex has never really had to get over someone before, but he knows it usually involves picking up on negative things about them, but his mind has constructed everything about Willie to be positive. And if he never gets to see him again, he'll never learn the negatives. What if he's homophobic or transphobic or racist or—or just a bigot overall? What if he's a hateful and bitter and crude person? What if he doesn't tip?

… or what if he's supportive, and he's a good, caring person who tips more than twenty percent?

His mind is a traitor.

He gets back to his room and it's just his mom there now, unpacking the box of clothes he just brought up into his drawers. He assumes his dad has gone down to get his books, so he walks over to his bed and picks up where his mom left off with the clothes she was hanging. He can't get to his closet since she's in the way, so he just puts them on hangers and drapes them over his desk chair. As he works, he looks around the room. Alex can't really tell anything about what his roommate might be like from his side of the room. It is neat and tidy and has shades of gray and blue and black throughout, but there is nothing telling, nothing that gives any hint about who the other kid is.

To be fair, Alex's side is much the same. He supposes that's how a lot of college dorms were since they're temporary. A lot of people like to make them _home_ and hang up posters and pictures, but Alex didn't really feel the need to. His side of the room was a little mismatched though. His bedding was gray and pink, he had a red desk lamp, a blue desk shelf, an orange step stool to get onto his bed, silver shelves in the corner, and a black mini fridge. It didn't need to look fancy though, he supposes, just functional. He's here to learn and grow and get a college degree, and that college degree is not for interior design.

He's finished hanging the rest of the clothes by the time his dad gets back with his two boxes of books—he likes reading—so he grabs one of the boxes and carries it over to the shelves next to the window. He unloads one box of books and as he gets started on the second there's a noise at the door, and then the unmistakable sound of a card sliding into the card reader. Alex's mom cuts off in the middle of a sentence and looks towards the door. Alex glances over at his dad and sees that he's looking at the door, too. Right. He probably shouldn't look at the door because that'd just be over the top creepy. He turns back to his shelves and starts unloading his books and stacking them as the door opens. There are footsteps at the door and something being set down and then Alex's mom steps forward.

"Hi, you must be Alex's roommate, I'm Cheryn Mercer, his mom."

Alex reaches in the box and grabs The Alchemist and sets it on the shelf.

"Nice to meet you," the voice says and—

And—

_And?_

_What._

The box of books nearly slips through Alex's fingers and he can't turn around fast enough. When he's facing his mom and the newcomer, his jaw drops. Oh no.

Willie grins. "Hey, hot dog."

Alex would like to reevaluate his worst-case scenario.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you’ve read my When You Believe series, like, all of it, including the one shots, you’ll know I like having specific internal voices. This Alex is very similar but still different than WYB!Alex. He’s a little more confident, a little further along in his personal growth, a little bolder, and a bit more sarcastic. The sarcasm is mostly because I had TONS of fun writing Willie’s POV and I wanted to incorporate some of it. 
> 
> I don’t actually think you can move in at UCLA the day before classes start? But my first year of college, when I actually lived in a dorm and didn’t drive forty minutes to class every MWF (haha fuck), I moved in literally the day before classes. So, I stuck with that. 
> 
> There was one tiny line/reference in here that foreshadows a lot of the fic and I don’t know if anyone will pick up on it but if anyone rereads the fic at a later date you’ll probably come back and go “oh yeah I see it now.” 
> 
> See you on Sunday with chapter 2. :) 
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [sunsetcurbed](http://sunsetcurbed.tumblr.com).


	2. weight off of my shoulders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Alex finally knew he was going to be living on campus, one of the first decisions he made for himself was that he was going to be out. 
> 
> He hadn't been banking on Willie being the first person he'd need to come out to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and they were ROOMMATES  
> I couldn’t put that in the notes of last chapter bc I wanted to try and ~~surprise y’all but there it is now. 
> 
> SURPRISE I changed the posting schedule. It’s going to be every four days because the first six chapters are done, the fic is now sitting at 33k, and I should have it done within the next week. I still need the time to edit though and considering I have classes, three tests in the time frame this fic will be posted, homework, and a ten-page blue print due shortly after… well, I need more than the two days I took to edit my previous fic, so four days should do the trick. If that changes at all I’ll let y’all know. 
> 
> I’m so excited that y’all are excited for the rest of this fic!! I genuinely hope it can live up to your expectations. 
> 
> Chapter title from I Got the Music by Madison Reyes? Julie Molina? Julie and the Phantoms?

When Alex finally knew he was going to be living on campus, one of the first decisions he made for himself was that he was going to be out.

He never had the courage to come out in high school, mostly because he hadn't been out to his parents until his senior year, but even after that it just felt… too late. He thinks most people… _knew?_ As shitty as that sounds, assuming someone's sexuality, most people did. And most people assumed he was gay. He just never confirmed it. But he never denied it either. Not that he had ever been asked or anything.

But—college. A fresh start, yeah? And sure, he'd continuously be meeting new people and that meant continuously coming out, but he didn't want it to become an elephant in the room. He didn't want it to become a topic that he shied away from like before. He didn't want it to feel like it did in high school where it felt like he'd been holding on to it for so long that it was something that he _couldn't_ let go of. So he knew from the moment he put in the housing request that he was going to be _out_ at college.

He hadn't been banking on _Willie_ being the first person he'd need to come out to.

It makes sense though, doesn't it? He's going to be spending the entire year with the guy in close proximity. Logically, Willie should be the first person he comes out to for several reasons. First, he should get all the questions Willie's going to have out of the way as soon as possible— _no_ , I'm not attracted to you, _no_ , I'm not going to fall in love with you, _yes_ , you can still bring girls back to the room—but like… here he runs into a few problems. Because he _is_ attracted to him and he doesn't know Willie very well but he seems like the type of guy Alex _could_ fall in love with. So, there's that. Second, if Alex is going to be out at college, there's a very real possibility that he's going to get a boyfriend. If he does, he doesn't want to spring that on Willie. It's not that Willie is like… entitled to the explanation, because no one is entitled to information about someone's sexuality, it's just—it'd be nice for him to have one, and Alex wants to be a kind roommate. Third, and maybe most importantly: as chill as Willie seems, he could be homophobic. And that means that Alex would need to request a transfer, like, immediately. And Alex would rather Willie hear it from Alex before Willie finds out on his own in the case that Willie is homophobic because then Alex will have warning and he can maybe stay in Reggie's room until he's transferred.

See—Alex had already come out to his roommates to avoid that situation. Well, his _old_ roommate _s_. When you get paired with your roommates in August, the college sends you their name and school email so you can connect with them. Alex did that, asked if there were any issues about his sexuality, and the guys had said no. Which—great. But a week later, Alex got an email from one of them explaining that he wouldn't be attending college that fall. _And then_ two weeks after that, Alex and his other roommate got emails notifying them they would be reassigned, leaving Alex roommate-less. It stayed that way until two days before Alex was due to move in, when he got the email that his room assignment had changed. It was actually an upgrade—he was in a newer building, closer to campus, on a lower floor, was one of the few freshman in a double, and, today he found out he was in a room right next to the elevators—it just meant that he only had two days to contact his new roommate and it had taken him two _weeks_ to build up the courage to contact his first set of roommates, so… That didn't happen.

This could have all been avoided if he could have roomed with Reggie, but his parents didn't let that happen. They said that if he wanted to live on campus for the full college experience, he wasn't going to get it by holing up in his room with Reggie all the time. He had to concede to them because it was true, and the college experience was his biggest argument for living on campus. Getting the full college experience meant living with a total stranger. Three floors up, Julie and Flynn are moved in and happy together, and past some buildings and across the street, Reggie is probably getting to know his roommates already. Meanwhile, after his parents give him their hugs goodbye and tell him to text them if he needs anything, Alex is now left alone with _Willie_.

He's not going to survive the year.

He's not going to survive the _month_.

Is he going to survive _the week?_

"Your parents seem nice," Willie says once the door is firmly shut behind them.

"Yeah," Alex nods, nerves gathering in his gut. It wasn't this bad when he was standing outside with Willie after Willie had crashed into him, why is it so much worse now that they're in this dorm together? "They can be."

"They _can_ be?"

What? He thinks back on his words and frowns. Holy shit, did he actually say that? "Oh—I just…" Huh. Holy shit, he's a shit son. He can't believe he actually implied that about his parents. They've raised him and loved him. They've been there for him. They've—they haven't abandoned him at all. And he just—"No, they're great, really. I don't know why I—we just don't always see eye to eye. That's all I meant."

Willie's eyebrows crease together and he frowns. "You seemed to get along really well."

Alex nods. "Yeah, we do. They _care_ , and they _try_ , just…"

"Just?"

Oh god, is he really meant to come out to Willie in their first ever conversation in their dorm? Is he really meant to just blurt it out like this and hope for the best? Well—maybe if his parents haven't gotten too far away and Willie reacts badly he can just stay at home for the night? Would that work? Wait, how does he even do this? How do you come out? He had a whole speech planned for his parents, and he came out to Luke, Reggie, Julie, and Flynn in eighth grade and he doesn't really remember how that went. He hasn't done this in a while. Does he just… say it? Does he build up to it? God, college was supposed to be easier with this, not harder. So he goes for it: "I'm gay, I'm in a band, and my best friend isn't going to college," he says, staring at the ground. "They don't really _approve_ of any of that."

"That's shit," Willie says, as if it's as simple as that, and Alex whips his head up to look at him. Willie's looking at him with a sincere expression and the anxiety in Alex's stomach dissipates. "I forgot you said they're making you study business. Look, I'm sorry man. Care for you or not, that still sucks that they don't support you."

Alex shrugs, looks down at his hands and picks at the skin next to his thumb. "I mean, they—"

"You don't need to defend them," Willie says.

He grimaces. "They're—they're my parents."

" _You're_ their son. That means approving of all of your shit." The way Willie says it, it… He's so certain, so sure. He's telling Alex that his parents' lack of support is wrong despite their care and Alex is forced to listen because there's… substance behind his words—they aren't empty or half-assed. They're meaningful and backed with passion and attitude. Alex feels like nothing he says will be able to defend his parents to Willie. He wonders if Willie is right—if them being his parents automatically means they need to approve of his life choices. He thinks they should approve of him being gay, because that's not exactly a choice, but… beyond that? Beyond that, they _do_ support him to an extent and they love him, so… Can they be faulted? Should they be? They're his parents. He's supposed to love them and respect them because… because they're his parents. They've done everything for him his entire life. He owes them for getting him this far. Willie doesn't seem to think that matters, and Alex can understand to an extent—but. They're his parents.

That leaves him with nothing to say except, "so then… you're okay with the…"

"The…?"

"Me? Being gay?"

Willie snorts. "Be a bit hypocritical if I weren't," he says and _oh_. This could be a problem because before, Willie was an unobtainable straight crush. Now he's an unobtainable (?) crush. Willie shifts in his desk chair and his eyes flick down to the ground by Alex's feet and then back up to Alex's eyes. He hums. "I don't know what exactly I am, but I'm definitely not straight."

"That's good," Alex says and then immediately wishes words were tangible and that he could take them back because—he shouldn't have said that. Holy shit he should _not have said that_. Make it normal, make it normal. "We always need more people fighting the good fight." That made it normal, right?

Willie giggles and tips back in his chair. "This is true, man," he says. "That's what I'm always telling my straight friends, but they never listen to me."

"You have straight friends?"

Willie laughs again. "You _don't?_ You hit the jackpot; you'll have to introduce me to some of your friends. They'll probably come visit you, right? Or did they go off somewhere else to college? Well, your best friend isn't going to college, right?"

"No, he's not," Alex shakes his head, "but my three other best friends did go off to college— _here_. Two of them actually live in this building on floor six. Julie and Flynn. Then Reggie lives over in Rieber. Luke lives with his parents and he's working at Starbucks on the weekends and interning at a studio under a songwriter during the week."

"I take it Luke wants to write songs?"

"Yeah."

"Then interning under a songwriter is the equivalent of going to college, so your parents are wrong about that. That's awesome that you're all together though, man," Willie says. "I really do wanna meet them."

He grins. The band will love Willie. "Yeah, we can definitely—I'll text them and see about sometime this week. I mean, they'll probably all invite themselves over anyway, but we can go out for lunch or dinner or something. We can figure something out with Luke too."

"Yeah, definitely. And I can help show you guys around too, if you need."

"Are you not a freshman?"

Willie shakes his head. "Sophomore," he says and _oh_. "The guy who was supposed to be my roommate didn't come back and they paired me with you last minute—that's why you're in a double, not a triple like every other freshman."

"Huh," Alex says. "That makes more sense. I thought I just got really lucky. Well, I mean, I still guess I got really lucky? I knew triples were the norm but I didn't realize how rare freshmen in doubles were."

Willie raises his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah. Every—or _most every_ —freshman is in a triple in Dykstra. I'm not sure how it is in the other halls."

"Reggie is in a triple in Rieber," Alex offers.

"Makes sense," he nods.

There's a pause and then—

"What are you studying?" Alex asks. He knows it's a jump in topic but he's been wanting to know since he realized he _didn't_ know, way back when he was cleaning off his scrape well over two hours ago. He should have asked Willie when Willie asked him—not only would it have given him valuable information but it also would have been polite. He can't even remember why he _didn't_. He barely remembers their first interaction besides his overall panic.

"Psychology," Willie says, not even pausing at Alex's abrupt topic change.

"That's cool," Alex says, because that is. His music and business feel kind of lame compared to _psychology_. You can actually do important shit with _psychology_.

"Yeah, I, uh, I was diagnosed with ADHD pretty late, especially as a boy—I wasn't diagnosed until I was eleven. But no one really knew how to treat it? Or what to do? And it sucked for a while, because everyone treated me like I was stupid even though I was scoring advanced in every test. By the time I got to high school I'd been in therapy for a year and on medication and I got a 504 and started getting straight As when before I had been a C student, got bumped up to honors and AP classes. And like, not every kid is going to see _that_ transformation, but, like, there might be the next great author out there who can't sit down and write more than three sentences in a row, who can't plan their plot, who gives up on the next great piece of literature when they get frustrated. Or an artist. Or musician. Or—so many people. And—and it's not just ADHD. There's so much brain shit that holds people back, y'know? Anxiety, OCD, panic disorder, bipolar—I don't know. I don't want other people to deal with the shit that I dealt with at school just because their doctors sucked."

Oh.

Oh no.

He had the thought earlier that maybe living with Willie would make it easier to get over him—that he'd learn all of his bad habits, that he'd find out his true personality and not the face he puts on for strangers, that he'd get an insight to who Willie is. And Alex knows that who Willie is can't live up to what he created in his mind. And he is right: the Willie he created in his mind is virtually flawless, and he's already seen the real Willie pull an entire stash of chocolate mints out of his drawer—which… _disgusting_. And Alex is sure that Willie has other bad habits and likes that Alex will dislike and so on and so forth. But… but so did Luke. So did Reggie. So did Julie and Flynn. And he still loves them… because they are good people. And the vibe he's currently getting from Willie is that he's a good person.

So, really, Alex is not in a great position. He's attracted to his roommate, that attraction is showing no signs of slowing down, his roommate is giving him no straws to grasp at to make that attraction stop, and Alex has to spend eight of the next nine months living with him.

"That's…" Alex doesn't want to say that's really nice because, well, what Willie went through was really shitty. He can vaguely understand—his anxiety wasn't severe enough where it impacted his schoolwork beyond anxiety attacks, but he did deal with comments from his teachers and other students about his anxiety and panic attacks. Willie's career choice is nice, sure, but the reasoning behind it is not. The reasoning behind it is painful, is upsetting, is unfair. Alex admires Willie for overcoming all of that to get to this point and—"admirable."

Willie smiles. "Thanks. So why'd you choose business as your double major? Or did your parents pick it?"

"No, I got to pick it. I thought that it'd help us as a band," Alex admits. "You know, Flynn is our manager and she's great, and she's going for business management, so I figured I'd do the same. I mean… I hope eventually we'll have someone to do that stuff for us, but if I can come up with some of my own stuff to contribute then…" he shrugs. "I don't know. It just felt like the best idea at the time."

"No, dude, that's a great idea. It totally makes sense. And, uh, speaking of your parents, why aren't you living with them? If you're close with them and you live in LA…"

"Oh. That. The, uh, whole not seeing eye to eye thing? I just… I didn't want to deal with that during college. Like, I want to be _out_ , you know? And they don't want me to—" to be gay "—to be out. I just thought I'd get more out of college, more out of life if I wasn't stuck under their eyes, I guess."

The room falls silent after that. It's not awkward like Alex expects it to be. Instead it just feels like it would when one of his and his friends' conversations come to an end and there's no pressure to come up with anything new to talk about. He had felt it outside too when their conversation ended and he could have stood there with Willie all day if he hadn't remembered his parents waiting upstairs. Willie seems to feel the same way, because he doesn't rush to come up with a new topic, just lets the silence settle around them. What is strange to see though is the look of calmness on Willie's face even while his knee bounces up and down and his fingers drum on his thighs. Because with anyone else Alex would think they're nervous or anxious or pent up, but Willie just seems to enjoy movement.

"Well, hey," Willie says after a minute, "do you want to go explore campus? If you show me your schedule I can show you your buildings and everything, and then we can grab dinner after?"

"Yeah, that sounds great."

They end up walking around most of the campus—Willie shows him to the business management building first and then the music building (neither of which Willie has had classes in, but he's skated past loads of times). That's his Monday, Wednesday, Friday: Intermediate Financial Accounting at 8:00 and Music Theory I at 9:05. Then Willie leads him to the humanities building, and then they turn to make their way to the astronomy building for his Tuesday and Thursday classes: Writing Composition at 11:00 and Astronomy at 6:30.

"I took astronomy three last year, I'll have to see if I still have my notes," Willie says on their walk to the astronomy building. "They could be helpful for you. Or—maybe not. I take pretty chaotic notes."

"If you know where they are that'd be great but you don't have to worry about looking if not."

"I know a few places they could be so I'll check," Willie says. "Tell me more about your band. Why are you guys Julie and the _Phantoms?_ What kind of music do you play? Where have you played? What's the long term goal?"

"Oh, uh. So, you know that time at sunset where your shadows are really tall and stretch far away from you?" Alex asks. Willie nods. "So the first time we ever played as a _band_ , it was sunset, and there were those shadows. But like, I was behind Julie, so my shadow was casting over hers, right? So it was just Julie standing in my shadow next to two other shadows, and the sun is behind us so we're all dark but Julie was still bright. Flynn came up with the name the next day."

"Well that's a relief," Willie says.

"Huh? Why?"

" _Phantoms._ Thought maybe I was dorming with a ghost."

"Oh," Alex says, then huffs out a small laugh. "No. Not dead yet. Even though you did try to kill me today." Willie grins brightly at him, and Alex bites his lip as his stomach flips. He clears his throat and carries on. "We're uh—we play pop-rock, I guess? I don't know, I always _want_ to say rock because that's what we started with but that's definitely not what we're playing now. It's not _too_ far off, but it's brighter with a little less edge to it."

"You've gone soft," Willie teases.

"That's what old age does to you," Alex sighs dramatically. Willie giggles and Alex sends him a grin. "We've played a lot of nightclubs but the biggest place we've played is The Orpheum, we opened for Panic! at the Disco when their opening band got food poisoning."

"Wow. The _Orpheum?_ "

"Yeah, we couldn't believe it either. That's when our name started picking up and we got offered a few deals, but all of us agreed to make it through college before signing any deals. That gig is what got Luke his internship though."

Willie looks at him with raised eyebrows. "So like, you guys are legit good."

"Like, I guess?"

"Dude, you're talking about signing a record deal after college, you've gotta be good. _Own it_ ," he says, and reaches over and hits Alex's chest.

Alex laughs and takes a deliberate but accidental-looking stutter step to separate himself from Willie because his heart is bursting with affection right now and he can't handle it. "All right, all right," he says, holding up his hands in mock surrender. "I'll own it, I'll own it."

"Fucking _good_."

"Wow, aggressive."

"Fucking _right_."

They both laugh and Willie shows him a few more places around campus and they make more small talk—embarrassing stories from high school, Willie's favorite places to skateboard on campus, and stories about their siblings.

"—he stole Ava's high heels as a joke and wore them around and _I_ thought it was adorable but my parents, uh, they… well, they—" Alex cuts off and Willie frowns. "They didn't approve, I guess…" He looks at the ground and then back up at Willie who is looking at him. Maybe he shouldn't bring up his parents around Willie anymore. He pushes his parents to the back of his mind. "Ava— _Ava was pissed_ ," he says, and Willie laughs and Alex likes _that_ much better than the frown, so he carries on, growing more and more exaggerated as he goes, and Willie's laughter gets louder the more ridiculous Alex gets. By the time they get to the dining hall, the minor parental road bump is completely forgotten about and Willie is guiding him through a crowded hall, asking him what he wants and asking him questions about his life while they wait in line.

They get their dinner to go and make their way back to their dorm and sit on the floor, using their chairs as tables as they eat. They keep talking as they eat—this time it moves to things like the weirdest things they've ever eaten, their favorite foods, and whether dessert should be first or last (prompted by the fact that Willie was eating his cookie _during_ his meal, not first _or_ last).

It is all going better than Alex could have imagined, especially after he'd found out that _Willie_ was his roommate. He'd been anxious to live with a stranger, anxious to get to know someone new, anxious to have to build a new relationship from the ground up. But with Willie, yes there was building to be done, but it felt like the foundation was already there. Alex feels like he blinked and missed the entire construction of the beginnings of a relationship, but he also thinks: maybe he didn't. Maybe it had already been built and had just always been sitting under the surface. It was just waiting to be unveiled at the right moment in time when their worlds finally collided, waiting for them to finish the job, finish building it up, making it pretty, putting the final touches on it.

He looks over at Willie who looks up at Alex at the same time and they smile at each other over their boxes of food.

The foundation is there. They still have plenty of work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, is the whole rooming situation explained at the beginning of the chapter a bit farfetched? A BIT. But I know people who have been reassigned last minute, I know freshman who have been paired with sophomores (hello, I was one of them), and I read about UCLA freshman getting put in doubles. So, for plotssake, all three happened. 
> 
> So we don’t get Willie’s canon sexuality (at least I don't believe we do-- if we do someone please correct me!) and I _currently_ hc him to be panro/grayace but I also know we might get confirmation on his sexuality next season (~~manifesting) so I wanted to leave it wide open. 
> 
> So Alex took AP chem, bio, calc BC, and lit, so he was able to skip those gen ed requirements so if you’re sitting here going: “you don’t know anything about college!” Yes, I do!! I literally even researched UCLA’s acceptance of AP exam scores and what courses they waived specifically because I didn’t know if it would be different than my college. 
> 
> Like with Miracles Happen, I set out to explore three main things when I started writing this fic. One of those is just pure Willex fluff (because I’m weak for fluff, always), one will be revealed later on since we haven’t seen it yet, and the other is imperfect/toxic family dynamics and the consequences and dealing with them and overcoming them, which we begin to see mentioned in this chapter. I briefly touched on them in Miracles Happen and I wanted to delve deeper into them. I’m writing them one particular way but this could go _so_ many different ways. I should probably mention now that there will be hints/aftermath of psychological abuse/gaslighting. It won’t go too in depth on the actual thing, but we will see a scene or two of Alex dealing with the emotions left over from a childhood of full of it.


	3. we're all bright now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flynn: alex where r u?  
> Julie: Alex, where are you?  
> Luke: alex where are you  
> Reggie: alex! where r you!  
> Flynn: u guys rnt a part of this go away  
> Luke: ouch  
> Reggie: :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m excited y’all are excited!! Now, however, I’m nervous about it living up to your expectations lmao. I genuinely hope it can, but I guess we’ll find out. The important thing is that I enjoyed writing it, so!! Y’all enjoying it is a MASSIVE bonus though. 
> 
> I finished through chapter nine!! It’s currently sitting at 41.5k words. Chapter 10 has 3k done and needs to be finished and then pieced together. The epilogue… has about 1k. So, a lot of work to be done but it is NOT going to be like the ysmfinb epilogue where it is 13k; it’ll be just like another 3-5k chapter. As we get further along you’ll probably be able to guess what it is. There’s a chance I’m going to write another, longer epilogue since I have ideas for it, but I don’t have any concrete plans to actually put them to words at this moment. If I do that, I’ll just add it to this fic at a later date. 
> 
> Also, note: whenever I or Alex say “the band”, Flynn is included in that. 
> 
> Chapter title from Finally Free by Julie and the Phantoms.

julie and the flynntstones  
  
Flynn:  
alex where r u?  
  
Julie:  
Alex, where are you?  
  
Luke:  
alex where are you  
  
Reggie:  
alex! where r you!  
  
Flynn:  
u guys rnt a part of this go away  
  
Luke:  
ouch  
  
Reggie:  
:(  
  
Alex:  
I’m in my room why  
  
Julie:  
Be right there.  
  
Flynn:  
on r way down!  
  
Alex:  
Wait what no  
  
Luke:  
lmao have fun  
  
Reggie:  
wait im walking to class i cant b there y are you doing this to me  
guys  
gUYS  
ok but were still on for dinner yea?  
  
Julie:  
Yeah!  
  
Reggie:  
o NOW you answer  
  
Luke:  
oh buddy  
  


Alex groans and drops down from his elbows to flop face first against his bed. The clacking of Willie's keyboard stops. "You okay up there?"

"No," Alex says.

He can hear as the chair of Willie's desk pushes out and Willie takes a few steps across the room. There's a metallic sound as Willie must step on to Alex's stepladder, and when Alex picks his head up, Willie's head is peaking up over the edge of his bed. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Can you make two eighteen year old girls disappear?"

Willie blinks. "Uh… _legally_ , no."

"… but… you _can?_ "

" _Can_ is a tricky word. I—"

He's cut off but pounding at the door. Alex groans and drops his head back down. "How are they so _fast?_ Can the elevator even _move_ that fast?"

"I take it we have two eighteen year old girls at our door?"

"Yeah," Alex sighs, shifting and sitting up so he can climb off the bed.

"No—you can stay—I'll get the door." Alex pauses and watches Willie climb off the stepladder and walk over to the door. He pulls the door open a crack and pokes his head out the door and starts talking with Julie and Flynn, though Alex can't hear what they're saying at all. After a minute, Willie pulls the door open further to reveal Julie and Flynn and looks at Alex. "You didn't tell me you told them you were here. You brought this upon your _self_ ," he says so mockingly fierce that Alex can't help the laugh that's startled out of him. Willie lets the two girls in and walks back over to his desk with a dramatic roll of his eyes. "That's the last time I try and make two eighteen year old girls disappear."

" _Alex_ ," Flynn gasps, putting a hand to her chest. "You were trying to make us disappear?"

"That almost worked, too!" Julie yells, jaw dropped.

Willie laughs as he takes his seat. "I wouldn't have actually let you guys leave," Willie promises and Julie looks at him looking reassured. "I really was just messing with you guys, I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay," Julie says after a moment's hesitation, waving him off. Alex is pretty sure she's feeling Willie out and that she'd made one assumption about him and is immediately making a one-eighty now. "I'm more upset that _Alex_ would _want_ to send us away."

"Well maybe if you gave me more than a _minute_ of notice, _Julie, Flynn_ ," he hums, "I wouldn't _want_ to." He turns to Willie and nods at him, mouthing 'yes I would.' Julie gasps and walks over, reaching up to whack at Alex who rolls back on his bed to dodge her, yelping as he does so. "Wh— _hey!_ I'm mainly talking about Flynn!"

"It's okay, I don't like you either," Flynn says from the ground, grinning up at him. Alex grins down at her and extends a fist down for a fist bump. She bumps his fist and then her attention leaves him. "I _do_ like _you_ though," she says, whirling on Willie, who's staring up at Alex. "What's your name?"

Willie's head turns from Alex to Flynn with a surprised look on his face. "Willie."

"Alex texted us about you last night," Julie says, stepping forward with a hand extended for a handshake. Texting your friend group about your roommate was normal. Alex is 100% sure of that. Reggie texted them about his roommates, Julie and Flynn texted them about theirs, and Alex texted about his. Plus, Willie had no reaction to that statement. He probably texted his friends about Alex. After all, they were going to be living together for the year—their friends should know whether or not their roommate is chill or not. So. Normal. Willie shakes Julie's hand and they smile at each other. "Flynn's memory is just bad because she was around a cute girl all night."

"Julie, she's around a cute girl right now," Alex whispers.

Julie spins to face him. " _How_ do you do that? Make me want to kill you one second and hug you the next?"

"You know that theory that we all have really small super powers, like someone can always know what time it is, or someone can always make the perfect grilled cheese? I think mine is—"

" _Ay dios mio_ ," Julie says, and turns back to Willie. "I'm so sorry you're stuck with him."

"Hasn't been too bad so far," Willie grins. "But I'm starting to see what I might be in for. You gonna try and get rid of me then call _me_ a cute girl, hot dog?"

"No," Alex says. Emboldened by the feeling of a particular high both from being around Julie and Flynn for the first time in over a week and also from completing his first day of classes, he tilts his head. "It's a different energy. Julie's a cute girl. You're a hot girl."

Willie was leaning back in his chair, but it drops forward and he stares up at Alex. His grin is still on his face but—is it Alex or is his face getting darker? Maybe it's the lighting from the window? Or maybe Willie really _is_ blushing. Huh. Well, that's an accomplishment. For all Willie's confidence, Alex can still make him flustered. Well. Not really, because that depends on Alex having the _confidence_ to make Willie flustered and that… that just doesn't really happen, but. But what he's trying to say is it _can_ happen. And also what he's trying to do is ignore the looks he's receiving from Julie and Flynn. This means holding eye contact with Willie though and—oh god it's intense. He's pretty sure Julie and Flynn know that they could say something but they're not just to make him suffer. Someone break it, someone make it stop, someone do _something_.

" _So_ ," Flynn says _finally_ , and Alex's eyes can't snap to her quick enough. She's got a smirk on her face and _oh_ she knows what she did. She _made_ him wait it out. "Willie. We were wondering if you'd like to join us for dinner tonight?" They were? "Our roommate is joining us—" she is? "—and one of Reggie's will be there as well—" he will? "—so you're more than welcome to join."

"Yeah, yeah, sure!" Willie immediately agrees, like Alex knew he would. "I'd love to. Do you know when or where you're going yet? I know the best times to go where."

That's how they end up where they are now—in one of the dining halls sat at a table with Alex next to Willie, Julie on the other side of him, a blonde girl named Carrie at the head of the table, Flynn across the table from Julie to Carrie's left, and Reggie next to Flynn and a blond kid named Nick next to Reggie. The dining hall is relatively quiet and calm around them considering its size and Alex supposes Willie really does know his stuff, because at their stop on their way back to their dorm last night, it had been absolutely _packed_. Even then Willie had efficiently woven his way through the crowds and gotten them where they needed to go with minimal hassle, and the only reason it took them any amount of extra time was the waiting in line. Alex had been expecting much of the same tonight, but Willie had just suggested a time and even in the chaos of the first day of classes, the dining hall was manageable. Granted, it was still crowded, but Alex is pretty sure it's full capacity was somewhere around eight or nine hundred and they probably weren't even three quarters of the way full.

They're all listening to Flynn now as she goes on about a mishap her dad had with a shelving unit in the living room, "—so he asked me to go get him his hammer and I did. I thought he was going to fix it, you know? Instead he takes the hammer and starts pounding the pillow as hard as he could out of pure frustration."

"Did it ever get fixed?" Carrie asks.

"Oh, maybe two, three months later?" Flynn hums.

"Better than my dad," Reggie says. "We have two bathrooms in our house. One of the toilets broke _two years ago_ and he still hasn't fixed it."

Nick looks up from where he's picking at his plate of food. "Didn't you say you had two siblings?"

"Yeah."

"So there are five people living in your house using one bathroom?"

"Yeah."

"Oh my _god_ ," Carrie breathes, horror laced through her tone. "You poor thing. Do you have any sisters?"

Reggie nods. "A sister and a brother."

Carrie gasps. "Your poor sister. And your mother."

Alex blinks, takes in Carrie's appearance, and wonders if she's rich. He thinks she might be if she's operating under the assumption that one-bathroom households aren't normal—well, that is just one piece of the puzzle, but it's an important piece. Maybe in LA single bathrooms aren't the norm, but they are in other places. But he supposes he can't fault her for having a warped way of thinking—Alex had thought yearly summer vacations were the norm until he found out otherwise. If she's grown up one way and doesn't know any different, that's hardly her fault. She seems nice enough and—he flicks his eyes across the table to where Flynn is, and sees that Flynn's eyes are turned down to her food but are frequently flickering to Carrie—Flynn seems to like her so far. Flynn doesn't take _any_ bullshit. If Carrie were truly someone who thought of herself as above everyone else, Flynn wouldn't hesitate to take her down a peg.

Reggie clearly doesn't see any added issue with his mom and sister sharing only one bathroom, so he shrugs and turns the conversation towards the Music Club which everyone at the table except Willie expresses interest in going to. But—

"They said all skill levels are welcome," Reggie says looking at Willie with wide, hopeful eyes.

Willie laughs. "I don't think they mean zero skill."

"Come on! Everyone has at least _some_ singing skill!" Julie argues.

"I'll teach you the triangle," Alex promises.

" _Oh_ ," Willie says. "Oh, I'm not even good enough for the drums."

Alex sputters. "Wh—that's not what I said! You just—you… I mean, you'd be starting really late…"

Everyone laughs and Julie pats his shoulder. "Could've done better there, Alex," she says.

Once the table has calmed down again, Willie looks around. "I'll see about it, okay? If it doesn't overlap with my classes, my clubs, or my study time, I might go with you every once in a while. _Just_ to watch. _If_ they let me."

Flynn pierces a piece of chicken with her fork and points it at Willie. "Fine, _dad_."

"Oh, fuck, did that make me sound responsible?" Willie asks with wide eyes. "God, I'm gonna have to drop out of college to save my rep at this rate."

"No, don't do that," Alex frowns, "they'll assign me another roommate if you do."

"Probably not until next quarter. You'd get a single until then."

"Ha, funny, you think you're ever going to get out of rooming with me. No, I've worn the same hoodie," he motions to the hoodie he's wearing, "since eighth grade; you're my roommate for college, buddy."

"He's not kidding about the hoodie," Reggie says. "The picture on the front? used to be in full color." Willie leans forward to look at the front of Alex's hoodie. He raises an eyebrow and turns back to Reggie. Reggie nods. "Yeah, buddy."

Willie smirks and looks at Alex. "So what I'm hearing is you get attached."

From around the table, three voices sound:

"Yes."

"Yeah."

" _So_ attached."

Alex turns to his friends and glares at each of them. " _Yes_ ," he says, "but in a normal, healthy way. Probably. Maybe. … I don't like change. Not liking change is normal."

"I don't like change and I have more than one hoodie," Nick says and the table dissolves into laughter.

Nick is new to their group like Carrie and he's fitting in well. He's definitely more of a jock than any of them, but he's also into music and seems like a genuinely nice person. The downside to Nick, however, is that he's been eyeing Julie since she sat down at the table. It's not like Alex is concerned about competition for Luke—no, Luke and Julie are… they're for good. Something in the universe settled when the two of them met and to disrupt Luke and Julie would be to disrupt the universe. Even Nick wasn't kind enough or pretty enough or strong enough for that. But what Alex is concerned about is: he likes Nick. He wants to keep Nick around. Nick is nice and funny and lives with Reggie so they'll be seeing a lot of each other no matter what. He doesn't want this dynamic to be ruined because Nick can't take a rejection. He sincerely hopes Nick will bow out gracefully once he learns that Julie isn't interested.

Reggie laughs at Nick's line and claps him on the back and Alex—Alex falls back in his chair, regretting this entire conversation. It had started as a way to tease Willie, and then carried on as a joke, and now it's gone further than he had intended it to. Fuck, Willie doesn't think he's _actually_ stuck with Alex, does he? Like… okay, it might be nice on one hand because they really seem to get along, where on the other it could be horrible because of Alex's attraction to Willie, but he doesn't want Willie to feel pressured—

"Well, I'm happy to be of roommate service," Willie says with a grin.

Just like that, it was _that_ simple for Willie to diffuse what Alex would have stumbled over, would have blown up and ruined. He wants to ask how Willie can do that, but he thinks that would make it weird, so he just offers a grin back and hopes it comes out normal looking and turns back to his food.

When they get back to their room later that night, Alex lets them in and strips his hoodie off, tossing it on his desk chair.

"Is that _really_ the only hoodie you own?" Willie asks.

"Huh?" Alex asks, turning to Willie. Willie motions to the pink hoodie and tilts his head. "Oh. Not actually, but it is my favorite, and I really have had it since eighth grade. I have a few others but I wear this one like, ninety-five percent of the time. It's become like a comfort item, I guess?" He moves to his desk to grab his laptop and freezes, then turns. "And, hey, sorry—I like, I wasn't. I wasn't like, being serious. I'm fine with getting another roommate in the future. I didn't mean to be weird—"

"Alex," Willie cuts him off. "It's fine. I _was_ being serious, anyway. Well, I mean, as long as things keep going the way they're going, we can definitely keep rooming together. I have a few friends here but the only two I'd ever wanna room with ended up going for suites this year which I didn't want to pay the extra money for. But—we'll see how the next few months go, how about?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Alex agrees. Well, that sounds reasonable but also—oh god, no. Alex doesn't know if he'd survive _three_ years of this. It's barely been twenty-four hours and he's struggling. So far, Willie's not a bad roommate by any means. From how things have been going, he doesn't think there are going to be any logistical or overall issues. They both have early morning classes, they're both dedicated to school, Willie seems relatively clean and respectful, and they can figure the rest out as they go. No, the issues that Alex is worried about are the ones relating to his attraction to Willie. Alex isn't able to get his mind off of him, and he doubts the close proximity is going to help with that at all. He's worried that he'll be overly aware of everything he does because he likes Willie and that he'll never be able to let his guard down in his own room.

But—he hasn't been. Hasn't been overly aware, that is. Willie is comforting to be around, in a way that Alex doesn't feel around people often. Hell, he doesn't even feel it around his own parents. He feels on edge around his parents, like if he makes one wrong move, says one wrong thing, then their relationship will be broken. But Willie—Willie feels more like the band. Willie feels more secure, and that's absolutely wild because Alex has _just_ met him. Maybe it's a vibe that Willie gives off—he's a relaxed and steady presence and that's something that Alex hasn't always had in his life. Maybe it's the fact that Alex doesn't feel like he has anything to lose with Willie—he's known Willie for a day and, while he's attracted to him, the disappearance of Willie would be miniscule in his life compared to the disappearance of someone like Luke or Reggie. Maybe it _is_ the fact that he's attracted to him. Alex… Alex has never really let himself have a crush. Of course he still had them, but he never let himself think about them. Not when he wasn't out to his parents. Willie is the first crush he's had that he's thought about and subsequently thought _what if?_ about. And maybe that means something. Maybe crushes are meant to be comforting rather than scary.

Well, maybe _comforting_ isn't the right word. Alex is still stressed about this all. He knows he's over analyzing things—both things that he says and does and things that Willie says and does. He knows Willie doesn't and likely will never like him back, but that doesn't stop his mind from constructing scenarios. He thinks this is what he missed out on in childhood and his teenage years—when everyone else was daydreaming of their futures with their middle school crush and Alex was terrified that someone was going to figure out he was gay if the thought of marrying a boy ever even crossed his mind. And, he's not thinking of marrying Willie—no. He's not in _that_ deep. He's just… he's thinking about how easy it would be for him to crawl in bed with Willie and cuddle him, fall asleep next to him and fall in love with him. And—that sounds nice, but it's also really, really stressful because Alex can't ever do that.

Alex's feelings for Willie are an enigma and that's what makes this whole rooming situation so uncertain. Between feeling both comforted and stressed in Willie's presence, he's absolutely lost on how this year is going to go. He knows he's attracted to him and that his feelings are developing. That's about all he knows for certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was somewhat of a filler chapter but I used it to get that portion at the end. So it’s like… 2500 words of filler and 500 words relevant to the story. Whoops. 
> 
> a few of their past group names:  
> julie and the phantoms -> flynn and the phantoms -> ghost band -> the maliboos -> the no lives -> boo shit -> julie and the flynntoms -> julie and the flynntstones (current) 
> 
> So Carrie is still Carrie, but they didn’t meet until college, so the animosity Carrie felt towards Julie for whatever reason isn’t there. She’s still a lil over the top, still competitive af (but in a good way, in a way that makes her strive to be better and respect her competition), still a bit judgmental, still self-reliant, and just overall who I perceived her to be in the show, just… minus the hostility. 
> 
> Also I… may or may not… be writing a Flarrie companion piece to this fic. I have no idea if you’ll ever see it because I’m not sure if I can get Flynn’s voice down, and I’m REALLY not sure if I can get Carrie’s voice down, and if I can’t get it to a point that I’m happy with I won’t post it, but I’m REALLY hoping to get it to a point that I’m happy with. Right now I’m EXPECTING it to be a long (10-20k) one shot. It’s only about 1.5k as of right now but my main focus has been finishing this fic. 
> 
> I have an analytics test after I post this today, and then I have a medical procedure tomorrow. If y’all wanna send any luck my way, feel free to do so because the next twenty-four hours suck lmao. 
> 
> Find me at [sunsetcurbed](https://sunsetcurbed.tumblr.com) on tumblr!


	4. you set me free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey,” Willie calls.  
> “Hey,” Alex croaks back. He hears all movement down below stop.  
> “Hey, what’s wrong?”  
> “I’m fine,” Alex says, but as soon as the words leave his mouth he wants to apologize because they’re so clearly a lie by the tone in his voice, and Alex knows he’s not the only one who can hear it. Willie knows he’s lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t trust a word out of my mouth when it comes to making promises about fics because: 
> 
> 1\. I lied about the posting schedule not once but twice now. Will now post every three days and I’m fairly certain I will NOT move it to every two, but who even knows.  
> 2\. I lied about how long the epilogue was going to be it ended up being about 9k.  
> 3\. I lied about how long the fic was going to be it ended up being about 51k.  
> 4\. h e l p 
> 
> Come on… tell me… is anyone really surprised I changed the posting schedule again?? I finished the fic except for like, piecing together the epilogue. A few scenes need to be connected and then the fic is DONE. And I’m impatient af and just want to POST and it’s a miracle I don’t just post it all at once tbh 
> 
> ok moving along
> 
> There are a few negative internalized thoughts which **do not** reflect how I or others see or should see events and/or discussions that happen in this chapter. His thoughts are a reflection of self and are a product of the household that Alex grew up in. 
> 
> Chapter title from Perfect Harmony by Madison Reyes and Charlie Gillespie? Julie and the Phantoms?

Alex isn't sure what time it is when he's woken up by the keycard and the pin numbers being entered in the door, but from what he can tell there's still light outside the window when Willie walks in the room. He's been sleeping since he managed to crawl into bed god knows how much earlier in the day and even with the sleep he still feels like shit. He tugs the covers up further over his head and shifts in bed.

"Hey," Willie calls.

"Hey," Alex croaks back. He hears all movement down below stop.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"I'm fine," Alex says, but as soon as the words leave his mouth he wants to apologize because they're so clearly a lie by the tone in his voice, and Alex knows he's not the only one who can hear it. Willie knows he's lying.

There's the sound of a chair being dragged over and then two hands appear in Alex's vision. Willie's head pops up next and he ducks his head to see Alex's face that's covered by his duvet. "Hey," he murmurs.

"Hey."

"Are you sick?"

"Uh, not really."

Willie's frown deepens. "Alex…"

Alex knew it was going to come out at some point, he just had hoped he'd make it longer than fifteen days. Fifteen _fucking_ days on his own and he lost his shit. God, he's an embarrassment. And it wasn't like normal. Not only was it one of his more intense ones, it was so much worse because when he came out of it he was in a new, unfamiliar place and that sent him right back into another one. It was ridiculous that he couldn't handle being in a new place, everyone does it—there are literally thousands of freshmen here at UCLA doing it right now and none of them are losing _their_ shit. By the time he was functioning again his throat was raw from all of his gasping and his lips and hands were ripped and bleeding from being torn at by his teeth and nails. But… god, he wished he could have told Willie when he was _normal_ , not when he was curled up in bed recovering. He wished he didn't _have_ to tell him, but… he liked Willie. He wanted Willie around, and that meant Willie would probably experience these or, like now, the aftermath of them.

"I… I had a really bad panic attack today," he whispers.

Willie's mouth forms an o for a moment as he processes that, and then he nods to himself, accepting without any hesitation. Without any accusations or embarrassment. He looks at him like the band does after he has a panic attack, which is the only time he ever feels safe after them. Willie leans forward to rest his head on Alex's bed. "Do you need anything? Water? Food? Me to email your professors?"

Alex's breath hitches. Is that really all Willie has to say? "No, it—it's okay. I'm okay."

"Okay," Willie hums, and then slowly steps down. "I'm going to be studying in here so just call out to me if you need anything, okay?"

"Thank you," Alex says, but he knows he won't ask for anything. He doesn't want to disturb Willie while he's studying, and it's not Willie's responsibility to take care of Alex. Besides, Alex is at college now—he needs to learn to cope with this shit on his own. He needed to learn how to cope with it long ago. Maybe the truth of it was that he never should have needed to learn to cope with it—he shouldn't be having these episodes in the first place. But he does, and he's got to cope, and he's got to do it on his own.

… Right now that means more sleep.

For a while, Alex drifts in and out of a dreamless sleep, but he doesn't really feel like it's doing much to recharge him. He feels like he's just shutting off his mind, which, to be fair, is also nice right now. It'd just be nice to get the added benefit of rest. But eventually he realizes that rest isn't going to come to him and that he should probably actually get some water and food.

When he finally sits up, Willie's attention snaps to him. "Hey," he says. "How're you feeling?"

"I don't know, fine, I guess," Alex says, even though he does know, and he's not fine. He feels like shit. He's tired and groggy and sore and has a migraine but—Willie didn't ask how he was to hear all that. He was just doing it to be polite.

Alex climbs down from his bed and gets a water bottle out of the fridge and grabs a protein bar too—he's not sure if he'll be able to stomach much more than that. Not wanting to deal with the hard wood of his desk chair, he immediately retreats back up to his bed. He drinks half the water bottle in one go and opens the protein bar.

Across the room, on top of his own bed, Willie is still looking at him. "Are you, uh, are you good for me to ask a question?"

Oh god. There are so many possibilities behind that. Alex isn't sure he wants to know what Willie is going to ask, but he manages to nod and rasps out a "yes."

"Your, uh, your panic attacks," Willie says, and Alex doesn't like where this is going, "what should I know about them? Like, to help you with them, before, during, and after?"

Oh.

Oh god.

Oh god Willie's never going to give him the chance to get over him, is he?

"Uh—um. I don't… I don't really know. I think—I guess the biggest thing is don't touch me during them? That makes them worse. If you need to touch me, ask. If I don't answer and you _really_ need to, like to move me, that's okay, just… try not to. Sometimes before them we can stop them with either grounding or breathing exercises, but they usually help when I'm coming out of them. I usually get really tired after them, so, like, I'll just go to bed."

Willie nods. "Okay. When you're feeling a bit better can you show me the exercises you use? I know a few but they might not be the ones you use…"

"Yeah, I'll show you later," Alex says.

"Thank you."

Alex debates his next words for a moment and then decides that asking Willie if he was embarrassed of Alex would be a bad move since Willie seems to decidedly _not_ be embarrassed. When he implied that the band would be embarrassed they got upset, and he doesn't want to make Willie upset. So he looks at Willie and says, "Thank _you_. I've… no has ever asked about them before. All my friends learned about them with me, and no one in high school bothered learning, and my parents—they—uh. So…"

Willie scowls and looks back at his laptop. He scribbles something down in his notebook and then looks back at his laptop, and it continues on like that. Alex eats his protein bar in silence, listening to the scratch of pencil against paper, and the occasional clack of laptop keys.

"So…" Willie says a few minutes later. "Are the panic attacks like, normal? Do you get them often? Are—shit. Wait, am I overstepping?"

Alex huffs out a laugh and smiles over at Willie. "You're fine. Uh, I wouldn't call them normal—would you? I mean it's literally me not being able to handle everyday life. I guess they'd be normal for me though, I've been having them for years. I don't know about often. There are times where it's better and worse. Uh—after I came out to my parents I had one or two every day for two weeks. But I've also gone three or four months without one. It all… it all depends."

"Alex, that's not what panic attacks are," Willie frowns.

"What?"

"Panic attacks aren't you not being able to handle everyday life. Anxiety is a chemical illness and panic attacks are often results of that. And our brains respond to that anxiety and during panic attacks the fear center and fight or flight piece of our brain go into overdrive. That's your _brain_. Reacting to a _genuine illness_. One that people take medications for, and go to therapy for, and learn how to cope with everyday. Medication, just like you'd take for an infection. Therapy, just like you'd go to for an injury. Coping, just like you'd learn with chronic illness."

Alex blinks. What?

On one hand, Alex knows mental illness is real. He knows other people have mental illnesses. But—he didn't, did he? Like, of course he had anxiety, but he didn't _have anxiety_. Everyone had anxiety, but not everyone _had anxiety_. And he didn't. He didn't have a mental illness. Like he just told Willie—he'd go weeks or months without a panic attack, but then he just got overwhelmed and he responded to things too strongly. He'd imagine things to be anxious about. Everyone gets overwhelmed, Alex just—Alex just does more so. He has panic attacks, while other people can manage their everyday worries. His imagination runs wild and gets the best of his mind and makes him anxious. And he's anxious most of his life, but that doesn't mean he _has anxiety_. People who _have anxiety_ have, as Willie said, an actual illness. His brain is just good at finding issues where there aren't any.

"I don't have anxiety," he says.

"Who diagnosed you with panic attacks?"

Alex ducks his head. "Uh. No one. I figured it out from Google."

Willie raises an eyebrow. "Have you ever seen anyone about it? Not—I'm not trying to diagnose you. I just… I think maybe you could see someone about it."

"I don't… think that would be a good idea."

"Why not?"

Alex bites his lip. "It's just—my parents have always told me that it'd get better—"

"Oh—fuck that, your parents aren't psychiatrists or psychologists or even general practitioners," Willie snaps. He sets his pencil down a little too roughly and tilts his head. "Look, I'm not saying you have anxiety, but… you know you have anxiety, right?"

Alex looks down at his hands. Willie is right about his parents not being doctors but—but weren't his parents right too? Isn't it supposed to get better? Because wouldn't his doctor have—have known if he had anxiety? He _doesn't_ know that he has anxiety. He's an A student. He's in a band and plays in front of crowds on a regular basis. He doesn't have any rituals or compulsions like he knows some people have. He's productive and he's collected and he's happy. He doesn't—he doesn't have a mental illness.

"Or do you really not?" Willie asks quietly.

What if his parents were— _are_ —wrong? What if it won't get better, not on its own? Because—he's an A student, but he's a perfectionist and he's such a perfectionist that he doesn't ever think he can achieve success to the level that he wants, so he procrastinates things until he can't anymore. And his band plays in front of crowds but, while he loves the high he gets from it, there are times that he can't recover from it—he's so tired the following days he can't catch up to himself. And he doesn't have any rituals or compulsions but he has a schedule and when that schedule is broken his anxiety skyrockets. And he's productive but he thinks about failing, and he's collected but his thoughts are a mess, and he's happy but he's… he's also not. He's also really, really overwhelmed and it takes a daily toll on him and he doesn't know how to handle it and he doesn't know how to live with it.

"I—I don't know," he admits to Willie.

Willie is silent for a long moment, so long that Alex has to look over at him to make sure that he's still there. He is, he's just… he's looking at Alex with a really weird look on his face. This carries on for a few more seconds and then he reaches back behind him for his pillows and throws them on the floor. Alex blinks, confused, and watches as he shuts his laptop and climbs off his bed. He moves across the room to Alex's desk and pulls the chair out, and then moves to his own desk and pulls the chair out. He drags both of them to the rug and places them on either side of the pillows. Then, he rips his duvet off his bed and drapes it over the backs of the chairs, trailing it off one end, leaving just about a foot hanging on the other side. He moves and drops to the floor and crawls in the cave he created. For thirty seconds there's silence in the room and Alex has absolutely no idea how to react to what just happened but—Willie's head pops out. "You coming?"

Alex grins, grabs his pillow, and climbs down from his bed. He manages his way in the fort carefully, not wanting to ruin Willie's… _hard_ work. When he's finally under the cover of the blanket, Willie grins at him and Alex feels his stomach roll. This probably wasn't the best idea in hindsight because there isn't much room under here, and Willie shifts next to him, moving from sitting on his knees to sitting cross legged and to do so he leans in close enough to brush against Alex's chest but—but Alex isn't thinking clearly, so Alex doesn't really care. All he cares about is the anxiety that's slowly unwinding in his chest and the pressure that's releasing in the middle of his head.

"No one can be anxious in a blanket fort," Willie says in lieu of greeting and Alex laughs. They get settled in and sit in the quiet for a minute, comfortable just being together. With Willie, silence doesn't mean bad. Silence doesn't mean wrong. Silence doesn't mean tension. Silence means being present with each other in a different way—being with each other without the added pressure of words, without the added pressure of thought. Alex feels like that's backwards, like so often conversations with people are to avoid the pressure of silence, to avoid the pressure of stillness. With Willie, it's almost like the feeling of when Alex gets home after a long day of having to converse with the people all around him, but at home he's able to shut that all off. Willie puts his pillow behind him and looks at Alex. "All right, age old question: time freezes for everyone except you all day. What do you do?"

The incredible thing is that the comfort doesn't leave when silence does.

Alex snorts in surprise at the randomness of the question and then thinks. "Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Panic." Willie's head falls forward and he lets out a small laugh and a quiet 'oh no.' Alex laughs. "I mean—wouldn't _you?_ Like—the _entire_ world just freezes around you and you can still move around and do shit and you're just expected to go about your day?"

"Alright, let's say you had warning, and you know everything will return to normal after twenty-four hours," Willie says, tapping Alex's knee. "What then?"

Alex looks down at where Willie touched him and frowns. "I'm… not sure," he admits. "Like, I wanna say I'd do something cool, but if I'm being honest I'd probably just get ahead on homework or spend all day reading."

"What book would you read?"

"If I did homework and didn't have a lot of time left over, The Outsiders. But if I read all day, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Or I'd find something new to read."

Willie smiles, but it's hard to see in the harsh shadows of their blanket fort. Still, Alex can see one side of his mouth quirk up as he looks up at Alex. "' _Stay gold, Ponyboy_.'" Alex feels his face light up and he nods at Willie who hums. "Outsiders was easily my favorite required reading I ever had to do for school. I remembered reading that and then after that every school required book was just a let down."

"I don't even remember reading it for the first time, I just… I can't remember a time I didn't love it. But… uh… what would you do?"

"Hmm?"

"World? Frozen? Twenty-four hours?"

"Oh, right," Willie says with a laugh. He hums and sways to the side and then sits back up right. "Probably just skate anywhere I wanted. That'd be sick. No one around to tell me no, you know? I'd probably get ahead on some homework too though, because skating all day would be too much for even me."

Alex laughs and notes that it's starting to sound fuller, healthier, more genuine. Not that it wasn't genuine before, just, when you're exhausted all laughter sounds fake. "You've gotta be a fake, dude. _Real_ skaters would skate twenty-four hours straight."

"Maybe I will," Willie challenges.

Alex grins. "How long have you been skating? Is it like… did you ever wanna be like, the next Tony Hawk?"

"Oh, for sure. I was I think like five or six when I started skating and that was when they started asking you what you wanted to be when you grew up. I _always_ said Tony Hawk. Mostly because I didn't know how to spell 'professional skateboarder' but, yeah, that was my dream for _years_."

"That's quite a jump from professional Tony Hawk to psychiatrist."

"Yeah, well, I've been making jumps on my skateboard since I was nine, so—"

Alex reaches over and shoves Willie over, watches him tumble over as he giggles. Willie's eyes are creased at the edges and his head is tilted back, exposing his neck and Adam's apple and collarbones. Alex stares for a second too long, but Willie doesn't even notice. "I hope you never considered becoming a comedian," Alex says after he clears his throat, "because that was lame."

"Aw, c'mon, you're the one that gave me the perfect opportunity."

Alex rolls his eyes and shakes his head, but the effect is probably lessened by the smile on his face. Looking at Willie, he can tell the smile was most definitely what Willie took away from that, but… Alex isn't upset.

Willie shifts again, but this time he moves to lie on his back. He takes his pillow from behind him and puts it under his head and Alex can't see his face from here—the shadows are too dark—but he can see Willie reaching blindly for Alex. Alex reaches back and Willie grabs his hand and tugs. "Lay with me," he says.

It speaks volumes about the magic of this fucking blanket fort that Alex doesn't even think twice before setting his pillow down and reclining himself back next to Willie.

"So," Willie says, and turns on his side to face Alex. Alex turns to face him and he thinks _it would be so easy to kiss him right now_. Then he shoves that thought to the back of his mind. Just because something would be easy to do doesn't mean it should be done. It would be just as easy to punch Willie as it would be to kiss him right now. It doesn't mean he should punch Willie. Then again he doesn't want to punch Willie like he wants to kiss him so there's less of an argument for that one, but—still. Just because something would be easy to do doesn't mean it should be done. "You like reading. What's the book that's had the biggest impact on you?"

"Are you joking me?" Alex asks, dropping his jaw. "That—that's an _impossible_ question."

"No it's not, I just asked it."

He narrows his eyes. "Fuck off," he huffs. "Ugh, _fuck_. I don't—I don't _know_. There could be so many. I mean, fuck JK Rowling but Harry Potter was pretty transformative as a whole, and it really got me into reading. The Alchemist was a pretty 'holy shit' moment too; I'm not religious but the philosophy and spirituality was something else. I think Harry Potter was more impactful overall though."

"What's the Alchemist?"

Alex launches into an explanation of the book and his reaction to it and Willie listens raptly. When Alex brings up the themes of fate and destiny, Willie's eyes light up.

"It's a nice thought," Willie says, "to a certain extent. I think I like the idea of destiny more than fate. It's nice to think that we _have_ a purpose, but that we still have free-will, that it's not all… planned out."

"I agree. Fate… fate is final, and that's… I don't want to think that my life is already set. I don't want to think that no matter what I do I can't change the course of it."

Willie hums and rolls on to his back. He stares up at the top of their fort and Alex watches his face. "Destiny though… Like… if destiny is what brought me you, I'm chill with that."

Alex's breath catches in his throat. Willie turns his head to look at him and catches Alex's eye and they stare at each other for a long moment. Alex remembers a quote from The Alchemist: ' _There is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe._ ' He wonders if he's at the point where he can say his desire for Willie originated at the soul of the universe or if it's still far too soon for him to be saying that. Logically, he knows sixteen days is too soon. But, like Willie said—"Destiny did a good job with us," Alex agrees. And he thinks it did. Thinks back to how he felt that very first night—how the foundations of their relationship had already been constructed long before they met and they were left to build upon what was already given to them. God, that was some destiny bullshit for sure. To make it _not_ sound like he's completely wrapped up in Willie, he adds, "I definitely lucked out in the roommate department."

Willie smiles. He furrows his eyebrows and adds, "I could get behind fate if it gave everyone a life worth living, but if fate is what's going on, then… that's not it. I don't want to choose to believe that some people are _fated_ to live in poverty, or live in abusive relationships, or live in an inaccessible world, or any of the other thousands of shitty things that are going on daily." He brings a hand up to run through his hair and drops it back down to his side. It lands on Alex's hand. Neither of them move. "And I guess it's a pretty shitty thought about destiny as well, that some people are _destined_ to be in these situations, but free will gives them _an_ opportunity to escape. Fate just says 'fuck you' and fucks off."

"That's exactly why I like the idea of destiny," Alex nods, and, because he's tired and his walls are down, experimentally turns his hand over beneath Willie's. Willie's fingers immediately curl around his and squeeze. "I like the idea that—that—that things like _this_ can happen. I lose both my roommates a few weeks before school and get paired with you, you run me over before we officially meet, and then we end up… you're a really good friend, you know? And it _feels_ like something planned it, because how could it not? But—but I still _chose_ to come to UCLA. You still _chose_ to agree to a freshman roommate. Destiny is the one who put us on the collision course—literally. It's—it's like that with Julie and Luke, too. With all my friends, really, but those two in particular. Luke got in a fight with his parents one day and was riding his bike around the neighborhood and heard Julie singing in her studio. The next week we get to middle school and there she is in our music class. But they've made so many choices that have brought them to where they are. I mean, we went to a performing arts high school, we had to make so many decisions that would lead us to that school."

"Yeah," Willie says, and rubs his thumb over Alex's hand.

It falls silent and Alex can only hear the sounds of their breathing and footsteps out in the hall. Willie's hand in his is a welcome presence, and the weight of it is grounding Alex to here and now.

"I don't like the idea that our destiny is our _only_ purpose though," Alex whispers, curling in on himself. He closes his eyes and both hears and feels Willie shift next to him, and their legs press together. "I think it's important that we're here for every thing, not a single thing. Say my destiny is, and call me hopeful, the legacy our music leaves behind. I don't want to think that that makes my relationships irrelevant—I want them to be just as impactful, maybe not on the world but in the lives of other people. I love music but I don't want to be boiled down to it."

"Hmm." Willie shifts again and Alex adjusts to give him room. "I think maybe we can have more than one destiny. And all of them are just possibilities and whether we… _achieve_ them or not depends on our free will. Whether we want to achieve them, whether they're a priority to us, whether we choose to value something more."

"I like that," Alex says.

He thinks that maybe his destiny is music, and maybe his destiny is Luke and Reggie and Julie and Flynn, and maybe his destiny is learning to accept himself, but maybe… Willie might be his destiny too. It feels right. It feels how a destiny should. If he's searching for his destiny like they were in The Alchemist, he thinks he may have found it in music, and his band, and in who he is, and in Willie. And he's choosing all of them—choosing to place value in all of them over value in other things in his life. That's his free will talking.

Because he's tired and has significantly less of a filter than normal, he says, "maybe we're one of each other's destinies. Like, if we have multiple, and we get to choose, I've made my choice: you are one of mine."

"You're one of mine, too," Willie tells him.

They go silent after that and Alex listens to Willie breathe, a rhythmic _in, out, in, out_ and matches his breathing to that. He's not sure what his destiny means though. He doesn't know how to interpret it and how to move forward with it. All he knows is that, once you've chosen it, it is an obligation. He's made his choices. Now he's got to figure out the rest.

Alex wakes up sometime later curled up against something warm. His head is resting on something firm but that has enough give that it's not uncomfortable. He curls further into the warmth and the warmth curls further around him and he sighs, content. Content doesn't actually begin to cover it. He feels weightless, feels relieved, can feel his anxiety trapped at the back of his mind in a cage longing to get out but no one's there to open the door. He feels happy and calm and untroubled. The warmth is bright around him, is a source of energy that is fending off all of the bad things in his life and he never wants it to leave, never wants it to go. He can not only feel it, but he can almost also visualize it too. While _warm_ colors tend to be reds and oranges and yellows, this is more of a teal, more of a cool color, the color of the design on the bottom of Willie's skateboard.

Willie.

He tenses and his eyes fly open.

"Hey, hot dog," Willie whispers.

"Hi," Alex says, blinking his eyes rapidly, trying to figure out what's happening. He shifts his head and realizes it is pillowed on Willie's chest and his arm is wrapped around his waist. He stretches his legs out and is horrified when he realizes one of them had been resting over Willie's. He rolls onto his back and pulls his arm back. As he does this, something behind his neck shifts and Willie pulls his arm out from where he'd been holding Alex to him. All right—so it hadn't _just_ been Alex in on this. Still—"I'm sorry for using you as a pillow."

Willie laughs and sits up, rubbing at his eyes. "It's fine, man. I like cuddling and you're comfy."

Oh god, how the fuck is Alex supposed to live on knowing that Willie likes cuddling? _Alex_ likes cuddling. "Yeah, me too. You're comfy too," Alex says.

Willie smiles down at him, but it's so dark that Alex can barely see it. He looks out the opening of the fort, out the window and sees that it's dark out. They must have been sleeping for an hour or two at least. Thankfully Alex's homework was all done. He sits up and flexes his shoulders bumping into the ceiling of the fort as he does so. Yeah, there's not much room in here. Willie laughs but does the same, and the blanket collapses down on them. They both laugh and wrestle out of it, and then it's left sitting on the floor off to the side.

"Hey, are you feeling better?" Willie asks after they've freed themselves.

"Yeah," Alex says. "Really, thank you. That really helped."

Willie tilts his head and offers a smile and says, "anytime." Alex doesn't realize how literally he means it but—

It becomes a _thing_ after that. When Alex is anxious, down come the duvet and the pillows, and into the cave they go. Sometimes they talk about deep things like that first time, like fate and destiny and life, but other times they talk about meaningless shit—random facts they've accumulated throughout their lives, what ducks would be like if they had teeth like lions and tigers, and when they try to tell jokes to one another without laughing and both fail miserably—and they talk about personal shit—do they think they're actually good people, their past relationships (or lack thereof) and why they were (or weren't) in those relationships, and what they want their future to look like, family wise, job wise, location wise—or they talk about anything else that comes to mind—school, their families and friends, making each other choose between two ridiculous alternatives—and… it's all nice.

They cuddle more than Alex cares to admit, but it's not embarrassing after the first time. After that first day, the next time they're laying down, Willie reaches over and pulls him in and Alex goes stiff for a few seconds before relaxing into it completely and just appreciating the warmth that Willie gives off. They fall asleep together a few times when they're particularly tired, but more often than not, they just use it as an escape from Alex's anxiety. And it works. Whenever Alex crawls under Willie's duvet, his chest and shoulders unwind and his heart rate slows to a normal pace.

He tries to tell Willie that he doesn't need to do this for Alex, but Willie shakes his head and tells him that _of course_ he's going to do this for him because if he can, why wouldn't he? Besides, it's not like Willie doesn't get any benefits from it. And—well, Alex isn't totally sure what benefits Willie could get from it besides maybe a study break, but he accepts it anyway because if this is something that Willie actually wants to do, then Alex isn't going to like… turn it down? Because it genuinely helps and he always breathes easier after they tuck themselves away.

He likes being tucked away with Willie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter… was hard to write. I’ve been diagnosed with mental illness since I was 12, so I’ve always known, and I’ve had access to treatment since then. So I tried writing this as realistically as possible with the limited research I had (it’s hard to find people’s experiences about this stuff, but maybe I just don’t know the right stuff to Google), but if anyone feels I missed the mark, please let me know and I’ll go back and reevaluate. 
> 
> So there’s no yelling in dorm rooms like there is in museums or on top of mountains, but I still wanted Willie to find something to release some of Alex’s anxiety. The day I decided to move home from college because of my mental health I skipped all of my classes and made a blanket fort the exact way Willie did and sat in there, so that's where that came from. And like… I think there’s a law somewhere that you can’t be anxious in a blanket fort so… 
> 
> If you’ve never read The Alchemist, I highly recommend it. It is fairly religious (Judeo-Christianity), which I am not, but like Alex said—the philosophy and spirituality are something else. It’s overall really interesting and has a lot of really powerful quotes and scenes. 
> 
> Remember at the end of chapter two how I said there was one more thing I wanted to explore in this fic that hadn’t been mentioned yet? Fate/destiny is it. We’ve seen mentions of it already in some of Alex’s thoughts, but nothing really in depth until now. It’s just an intriguing concept to me and something that I’ve never actually written about. I read a quote from The Alchemist (which will be used later in the fic) and I was like ‘WILLEX’ and that was the thing that kick started this entire fic.  
> In this fandom there’s a lot of talk about soulmates, but… there’s not a lot of talk about what that means. Just “they’re soulmates.” And—I’m not necessarily saying fate and destiny are _real_ in this ‘verse (they could be!! it’s pretty ambiguous), but they are _meaningful_ , and Willex are, as always, soulmates. And fate and destiny play a role. It’s just something I really wanted to mess around with. I know it might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but as I said, it’s kept rather ambiguous so you don’t have to focus on the fate/destiny aspect if you don’t want to. 
> 
> I'm on tumblr at [sunsetcurbed](https://sunsetcurbed.tumblr.com)!


	5. clocks move forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weeks pass by in a blur. Alex loses track of time, consumed by his course work, the few clubs he’d joined, time dedicated to making new music with the band, spending time with his friends, and Willie. Willie is his own category separate from ‘friends.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the love y’all had for last chapter. It was one of the more challenging chapters to write just because I wanted so badly to get it right but it’s definitely one of the ones I’m particularly fond of. 
> 
> Chapter title from Now or Never by Sunset Curve? Julie and the Phantoms?

Willie  
  
**10/27/21** 19:16   
Willie:  
bathroom smells like shit, taking a shower with a mask on, good idea y/n?  
  
Alex:  
I hope you enjoy your minor waterboarding experience  
  
Willie:  
fair point  
  
**10/29/21** 11:33   
Alex:  
I changed my instagram handle because Luke wants us to match and since then I haven’t been able to post or follow anyone   
I’ve been labeled a spam account   
  
Willie:  
lmao how could zuck do this to you?  
  
**11/05/21** 17:25   
Alex:  
Meet at Bplate 6:15?  
  
Willie:  
might be a little late but yeah!  
  
**11/07/21** 11:47   
Alex:  
Hey I just finished at the library and was gonna go to the rec you wanna meet there and then grab lunch?  
  
Willie:  
yeah! i still haven’t gotten dressed though so let me change and i’ll meet you there in 20?  
  
Alex:  
Okay. Wanna bring me a water so I don’t have to buy one?  
  
Willie:  
got it!  
  
**11/10/21** 18:18   
Willie:  
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SNAP AND WHY DIDN’T YOU ANSWER ME ON SNAPCHAT?  
  
Alex:  
Didn’t you like it? :(   
  
Willie:  
alex i beg of you please never send me things you find in the deep dark corners of the internet  
  
Alex:  
That was on the front page of Reddit  
  
Willie:  
who the FUCK-  
  
**11/13/21** 12:59   
Alex:  
Did you call on accident or on purpose  
  
Willie:  
on purpose alexander answer your phone  
  
**11/15/21** 22:17   
Alex:  
Do you think if people communicated through smells that people would be better at identifying smells or would I still be trying to figure out what I’ve been smelling for the past thirty minutes  
  
Willie:  
where are you  
  
Alex:  
Library  
But what do you think  
  
Willie:  
i think it’s time to come home  
but we’d probably be better at identifying smells  
  
Alex:  
Do you think if we put word associations to smells we could teach babies to communicate through smell  
  
Willie:  
alex please come home  
  
Alex:  
You didn’t answer the question  
  
Willie:  
i think that would fall under an ethically gray area of experimentation  
  
Alex:  
But hypothetically  
  
Willie:  
probably  
come home or i’m coming to get you and i swear if you make me leave my bed i’m going to kill you  
  
Alex:  
Now translate that to smell  
  
Willie:  
ALEXANDER  
  
Alex:  
Sorry, my nose didn’t understand that  
  
Willie:  
omw  
  
Alex:  
Wait I’m coming  
  
**11/17/21** 16:06   
Willie:  
35?  
35?!?!?!?!!!??  
  
Alex:  
37  
  
Willie:  
danger  
  
**11/19/21** 14:19   
Willie:  
someone in my soc class dyed their hair blue  
just wanted to let you know!!  
  
Alex:  
I’m not dying my hair blue  
  
Willie:  
okay but it was an idea  
  
Alex:  
Not even for a second   
  
Willie:  
not even a second?   
  
Alex:  
Not even one   
  
Willie:  
one?   
  
Alex:  
No  
  
Willie:  
you disappoint me  
  
Alex:  
I’m okay with that  
  
Willie:  
okay what about other colors tho  
like we could go rainbow  
i bet there’d be a lot less coming out with rainbow hair :)  
  
Alex:  
Great idea!  
  
Willie:  
knew it  
  
Alex:  
I’ll buy the peroxide so you can go blond and you’ll be rainbow in no time  
  
Willie:  
wait no-  
  
**11/22/21** 08:03   
Willie:  
hey your paper was laying on your desk so i’m gonna try and meet you outside schoenberg around 8:55-9?  
  
**11/22/21** 10:35   
Alex:  
Literally I know I already said thank you a thousand times but thank you so much  
  
Willie:  
no problem! i had plenty of time  
  
Alex:  
Still I appreciate it   
  
Willie:  
:)  
  
**11/23/21** 11:14   
Willie:  
do you think if starbucks used small/medium/large they’d still be as popular or do people just feel fancier ordering a venti  
  
Alex:  
They’d probably tank if they used small/medium/large  
Their entire business is built on what they call their drink sizes clearly  
  
Willie:  
knew it  
  
Alex:  
Did you guys stop at Starbucks?  
  
Willie:  
why do you care? but yes  
and yes i got you your cold brew  
  
Alex:  
:)  
  
Willie:  
your large cold brew Alex:  
Single-handedly trying to put Starbucks out of business with this calumnious ‘large’ talk Willie:  
what would i bring you back every time micah drives me off campus then? Alex:  
Nothing would be a good enough replacement, my heart would forever be broken Willie:  
can’t have that **11/26/21** 15:13   
Willie:  
what do you want from the store?  
too late i got you cereal and protein bars and yogurt tho   
  
Alex:  
No cheese?  
  
Willie:  
no bc i remembered like the good roommate i am :)  
  
**11/30/21** 12:52   
Alex:  
When are you going to be back?  
  
Willie:  
maybe an hour why?  
  
Alex:  
I left my keycard in the room :(  
  
Willie:  
YOU ALMOST MADE IT ALL QUARTER  
  
Alex:  
I KNOW, WILLIAM, NO NEED TO RUB IT IN  
  
Willie:  
just go get RA-man  
  
Alex:  
I don’t want to admit my failure  
  
Willie:  
lol  
if you just study in the lounge for an hour i’ll be back around 2 to let you in  
  
Alex:  
Lifesaver  
  
Willie:  
key to your room*  
  
Alex:  
Worst roommate ever*  
  
Willie:  
yeah at this rate you won’t be getting back in our room at all  
  
Alex:  
Traitor*  
  
Willie:  
all i need are those three little words alex  
  
Alex:  
I love you  
  
Willie:  
aw, love you too, but those aren’t the words i meant  
  
Alex:  
Best roommate ever*  
  
Willie:  
see you in an hour  
  


The weeks pass by in a blur. Alex loses track of time, consumed by his course work, the few clubs he'd joined, time dedicated to making new music with the band, spending time with his friends, and Willie. Willie is his own category separate from 'friends' because Alex lives with him and sees him at the beginning and end of every day, but apart from the band, he's also the thing that Alex makes the most effort for. Well—course work. Course work is first, because that's the _point_ of college, but like… Willie and course work go hand in hand a lot of the time.

They study together in their room a lot, that's true, but they'll also meet at the library some days between classes when they don't want to be holed up in their room. They'll go back and forth on quizzing each other and Willie will give him study tips based on stuff that he's learned through his therapy for ADHD or from psychology. Willie asks him about his classes all the time—when they're at the rec center working out, when they're at lunch or dinner, when they're talking before bed, when they're walking around campus to just get out of the dorm—and that keeps the subjects fresh in Alex's mind. He asks about what Alex is learning and if there's anything he's struggling with and having to put it into words for someone else, someone who isn't taking the class, helps Alex know if he's actually grasping the material or not.

But they do more than just study. Willie is just into fitness as Alex is so they'll go for jogs around campus together, go to the rec center, challenge each other, push each other. Alex is stronger than Willie, but Willie is faster. When they jog around campus Willie will pull ahead just enough that Alex has to push himself to keep up, but he won't leave Alex behind in the dust. When they're lifting at the rec Alex will encourage Willie in various ways and Willie continues to push himself further. It's a friendly competition and Alex _knows_ he's getting faster, and he's seen Willie taking less and less off the bar, so Willie is getting stronger.

They're bettering each other, mentally and physically.

Even more than that, they just have _fun_. They have the same sense of humor and the same taste in books and shows. They spend hours making dumb jokes together and sending each other memes and poking fun at one another light heartedly. Alex lends Willie The Alchemist and Willie lends Alex Dune. Alex logs into his Netflix account and they watch Narcos together and Willie logs into his Hulu account and they watch Killing Eve. There's no pressure in their relationship—sure, he's expected to be a good roommate, but beyond that, all that's really expected of him is to be a good friend. Alex likes that, likes having somewhere he's not expected to be a student, a drummer, a son, a brother, isn't expected to be anyone but himself. He's given that ability with the band too, but that's the _only_ place he's ever been given that ability and it's shocking to have a new place, a new _person_ , to be given free reign with.

Willie even starts to come to band practices when he has the time, which blurs the line even further because he's slowly integrating himself into the group, slowly becoming a part of the whole. Alex hadn't thought a piece was ever missing from their band, and he still doesn't think there ever was, but more so there was an open space. Like a jar full of ping-pong balls is still full, but you can pour sand in the open spaces to close the gaps. Nothing is missing, nothing is lacking, there's just… room. And Willie found that room and came in and fit himself in the open spaces.

It's the last Sunday of the quarter and it's their last band practice at UCLA before winter break. Willie and Flynn are both there, along with Carrie. They rent out one of the band rooms so the drums and piano are already there, Reggie brings his bass, and Luke meets them there with his guitar. It's a setup that has worked nicely for them all quarter. Willie, Flynn, and Carrie aren't always there, but when they are they're non-problems… usually.

Today though, they're practicing one of their songs when Alex looks over at Willie. He's laying in the middle of the floor with one of his psychology books propped open and his laptop open next to him, listening as they practice. Alex watches him for a moment, taking advantage of his repetitive beat that he doesn't have to lend his focus to to just appreciate Willie. His hair is all pulled to one side, thrown over his left shoulder so his neck and jaw are exposed to Alex. He's bobbing his head along in time with the music, mouthing along with the words he knows—the words he learned because he's listened to Alex sing them to himself over and over again.

In the back of the room, Flynn and Carrie are crowded around Carrie's laptop and when he looks to them, Flynn is already looking at him with a knowing smirk on her face. Her eyes travel to Willie and then back to Alex and she tilts her head and quirks an eyebrow at him. Alex misses a beat, and then stutters on the next. He turns his eyes away quickly and looks at Luke, who is already spinning to look at him. "Shit, sorry, sorry," Alex says. "I—shit, sorry."

Reggie looks at him. "Yeah, you said that."

Luke frowns. "You okay buddy?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I just slipped, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it," Julie says from behind the piano. "We needed a break anyway, we've been playing for over an hour now."

"You guys sound good," Willie says. He looks between all four of them and looks sincere, but he also looks stressed. Alex looks at the textbook and notes in front of Willie and suddenly feels a wave of guilt for inviting Willie when he knows Willie has been stressed about his finals. He should have left him the quiet dorm to study in, should have given him the extra time to get more work done. Instead his mind was always looking for ways to be around Willie and when Julie had texted them that she'd gotten them one last reservation for the quarter, he'd asked Willie.

He supposes Willie could have said no—he has turned Alex down before, like when he had a paper due and had to work on it. But that was before Willie really knew the band and really bonded with them, and he thinks Willie wouldn't pass up an opportunity to see these guys. But then Willie would have wondered why Alex hadn't invited him and—god, there really was no winning, was there?

"Do you wanna show us that song you mentioned earlier?" Julie asks, and Alex looks at Julie to see who she's talking to. And then he sees her eyes are on _him_. Oh god.

" _Uh_ , not today," Alex says, trying to keep the panic from his voice. "I don't—it's—uh, it's not ready."

"Yeah," Reggie says, walking over to pick up his water bottle. "That's the point. We'll all make it ready."

" _Uh_ , not yet," Alex says. Not… not when Willie's here, he wishes he could say, because, well. It's about Willie and there's a good chance that Willie would know right away that it was about him. God, he can't even imagine Willie's face if he heard the line ' _so maybe our destinies are true and maybe mine was always you_ ' in a love song that Alex wrote mere weeks after their conversation about destiny and fate. How quickly would Willie piece it together then?

He hadn't meant to start writing a love song about Willie—Julie and the Phantoms as a whole doesn't do many love songs (well, besides platonic love), but after flipping through The Alchemist again, Alex's mind hadn't been able to stop turning. He opened the notes app on his phone at midnight one night when Willie was already asleep and turned on his phone's video and recorded himself humming quietly to himself, and he'd just recently told the others about it, but he hadn't told them _about_ it. Just a casual 'hey I've been working on a song.' He wanted to share it with them, but he also knew admitting his feelings about Willie to the band would level them up. He's pretty sure they already know—Flynn definitely knows at the very least—but _admitting_ it, showing them a song he'd written about Willie… that'd be admitting how much he cares. And once he did that there'd be no pretending anymore. Other people would know. These feelings would have more power against him.

Julie frowns, but she nods anyway. "Okay," she says. "I have a few songs that I was thinking we could look at if you guys are comfortable with adding some newer stuff into our rotation. These two I just finished this week—"

They sort through new music for the next hour and a half and then call it for the day. They break apart after that—Luke is taking Julie off campus for dinner, Reggie is meeting his roommates, Carrie and Flynn are going to Rendezvous, and Willie and Alex go the simple route and head back toward their dorm and make a stop at De Neve.

Alex is mildly surprised to be stopped by his finance professor—they have a large class and he's shocked that she can pick him out in a crowd. He stays and chats with her for a few minutes though, and motions to Willie with a casual "this is my roommate." Willie introduces himself and tells her he's learned all about the time value of money from studying with Alex and her eyes light up, and Alex tries his hardest to keep his face from going red. Once they're sitting down and eating though, trading casual conversation back and forth, Alex's phone rings. He looks down at it and, after Willie waves at him in affirmative, picks it up to answer.

"Hey, Dad," he greets, speaking around a mouthful of chicken. "What's up?"

"Alex! We hadn't heard from you in a few days, and it's getting close to winter break. We just wanted to check in and Ava and Austin wanted to say hi."

"Oh," Alex says. He stares down at his food. He's been trying to keep up with contacting his family, but things have gotten a bit wild the past few weeks. "Well, I'm here. I'll be home Friday."

"Should we expect anyone home with you this break? Have you met any girls?" his dad asks, and his voice sounds undisturbed, sounds genuine and sincere. It's like he's _actually_ made himself forget that Alex is gay and is living in a world where Alex is going to meet a nice girl and bring her home from college.

Alex tightens his jaw and rubs a hand over his face. "No, Dad, I haven't."

"Hmm. That's good, you'll have plenty of time for that later on. I didn't meet your mom until two years after I graduated. Now's a good time for you to focus on school and building relationships for your career."

"Yeah, Dad," Alex says. He looks up at Willie who is staring down at his plate, focusing entirely too hard for the environment they're in. Alex bites his lip. "Hey, Dad, I've gotta go. I'm in the middle of dinner and I've gotta study for my final tomorrow. Tell Ava and Austin I'll text them and I'll see them next weekend."

"Well, all right," his dad says. "Love you, Alex."

"Yeah, love you too, Dad."

And the call disconnects. He drops his phone on the table unceremoniously and cradles his head in his hands.

God, god, _god_.

Is it so much to ask to be _acknowledged?_ He's not even asking for his dad to put up a pride flag—he doesn't even need to ask if he's met any _boys_ for fuck's sake! Can he just not pretend that Alex never came out; can he acknowledge that Alex's sexuality is real, even if that acknowledgement is as minimal as _not_ acknowledging it?

"What's up?" Willie asks from across the table.

Alex scoffs and lifts his head. He picks his fork up and takes another bite of chicken. "Was wondering if I was bringing home any _girls_." Willie scowls. Alex opens his mouth to defend his dad before remembering who he's with and then snaps it shut. Willie's scowl deepens as he must realize Alex's intention. Alex sighs. Well, now he has to say something. "He's not… he doesn't… he's not doing it to _hurt_ me," Alex says.

"Okay," Willie says, and drops his eyes to his food.

"He—he just can't accept it," Alex finishes.

"And you don't… you don't find that wrong? That your dad can't accept this about you?"

"I—he's a good person, you know? He gave me everything I ever wanted, he's always been involved in my life, he's paying for UCLA, and it's not like—" He cuts himself off.

Willie didn't need him to finish anyway. "It's not like he hit you? It's not like he kicked you out? Alex, that's like, the bare minimum." Alex looks away towards the windows. He knows that his dad didn't give him overwhelming support when he came out, but he didn't do anything _cruel_. The worst he did was ignore him for a few days and set him up with that girl and that was—that was ignorance, Alex thinks. "If you had a boyfriend would they give you what you want? Or be involved in your life? Or pay for UCLA?"

Alex turns back to Willie, opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. Nothing comes out because _he doesn't know_. Because, well, he doesn't know if his dad would just ignore his boyfriend, or if he'd step back from Alex's life, or if he'd remove himself from Alex's life—including financially.

Alex has always thought his parents cared about him because they didn't kick him out after he came out, but what if that's just because they could pretend he's still straight? What would happen if he got a boyfriend? Would he still have a home? Would he still have a family?

Willie is staring at him from across the table and his eyes are soft. "Alex…"

"I don't… It doesn't even matter. I _don't_ have a boyfriend."

"Of course it matters." Willie reaches across the table and taps Alex's hand. "You deserve better."

"Better than my parents? The people who raised me and got me to where I am today?"

"Yes. Parents are meant to do all that _and_ support their child, no matter what."

"They do support—" He cuts himself off. It's no use arguing this with Willie. "I mean, I've got it better than a lot of people."

"Those people deserve better too. But it's not a competition. You deserve better. It's as simple as that," he says. Willie pushes his plate away and sits back in his chair and crosses his arms, looking entirely unsure. "I'm not—I'm not trying to like, ruin your relationship with your parents, Alex. That's—that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just… I want you to acknowledge that they can be your parents, and you can love them, and they can still do shitty things. And this is a shitty thing."

Alex bites the inside of his cheek. He knows Willie isn't trying to ruin his relationship with his parents. Not only does he trust Willie, but Willie has helped his relationship with his parents—reminding him to call or text them, sitting and talking with them on Facetime when Alex makes food or goes looking for something he wants to show them, giving him advice about arguments that they've had—so Willie isn't out to get his family. He's just… he's just arguing his side of things, and Alex… Alex has never heard it worded quite like that. _They can be your parents, and you can love them, and they can still do shitty things_.

Could those three things coexist?

He knew parents could do shitty things and children ended up with love lost for them—ended up running away, or ended up in screaming matches every day, or ended up never talking to them again. And obviously the parents who kicked their children out or abused them, well, they were parents and they did shitty things but Alex highly doubts there is any love from the children in those relationships.

And—and he's not comparing the things his parents does to that—but. Do his parents do shitty things and does he still love them despite those things? Does that by extension make him a shitty person? What about if those shitty things are directed at him?

Because that's what Willie is getting at, isn't it? That some of the shitty things they do are directed at him. That them not accepting his music or his friends or his sexuality are all shitty things and it's okay to call them shitty things even though they're his parents and they care about him. After all, you can still do shitty things to the people you love, can't you? But usually those things are on accident, and Alex doesn't think his dad specifically asked about girls rather than boys on _accident_.

They're still his parents and he loves them.

But what kind of people are they?

Alex and Willie get back to their dorm just after seven and they both immediately head to their desks to study. Alex reaches for his Music Theory study materials and cracks down—his final is tomorrow after all. He feels confident, but continuing to prepare is never a _bad_ thing.

There's tension in the room and for once it's not coming from Alex's side of the room. There are stilted sounds coming from Willie's desk—scratches of pencils against paper, pages being flipped, keys being pressed too hard—and then the noises that Alex has grown used to—tapping fingers, bouncing feet, snapping fingers—but with more behind them. But then finally, after what feels like forever, Willie breaks the tension by groaning. "Fuck, I feel sick," he says, leaning down and putting his head on his desk. "Why the fuck do I have to feel sick right before my finals?"

"Hey," Alex says, trying to push as much reassurance into his voice as he can, "it's fine, we all get text anxiety. It'll pass. Do you, like, want me to quiz you or something? That could help?" Willie is quiet for a long moment and when Alex looks over, Willie has picked his head up from his desk and is looking at him with wide eyes. "What?"

"… nothing," Willie says, shaking his head. Alex feels like _something_ has changed in this moment, but he has no idea what it could possibly be. He watches as Willie looks to his notes and fingers the edge of the paper. "Uh. Do you have _time_ to quiz me? I know you have your own finals—"

"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it, dude," Alex says. He stands up and walks over to Willie's desk, holding a hand out. "Gimme."

Alex takes a seat on the floor, crossing his legs and propping the notebook on Willie's knees. Willie's knees immediately stop bouncing and he moves to tapping his hands on his desk, which Alex appreciates but also kind of feels bad about. He hadn't thought about that when he'd placed the notebook on Willie's knees but—he'll tuck that information away for future reference. Alex quizzes Willie, jumping back and forth on topics trying to trip him up, but Willie doesn't even stumble. He's confident in his answers, even makes jokes with a few of them, and Alex laughs along with him as they continue along.

Alex takes pointers from Willie and when he sees something that looks particularly important in Willie's notes, he asks Willie to describe it to him in his own words like Willie has been having Alex do all quarter. The first time Alex does this Willie's eyes light up and he launches into an explanation about Maslow versus Freud. He puts it more succinctly than Alex ever puts any of his explanations and he also nails it. Alex ups his questioning, but Willie takes it as bait—he narrows his eyes and sets his mind to work and Alex is thoroughly impressed by how smart Willie is. Like, he'd always known but he hadn't _known_.

At some point, Alex's phone vibrates over on his desk but they ignore it. He continues quizzing Willie, getting as far as two more questions before his phone vibrates again, then again, then again, and again, and again, and again, and—

"Okay, _what_ the fuck?" Alex demands, hopping up from his place on the floor and he goes to retrieve his phone. When he picks it up it's still vibrating in his hand and he stares down at it with wary eyes. When he unlocks it, he sees that text messages are pouring in from the band. Over thirty within the last minute. Oh god what happened now? He opens the text and scrolls to the top of the newest conversation.

julie and the flynntstones  
  
Julie:  
Guys!!!!  
May 14th  
Orpheum Showcase, Julie and the Phantoms Spotlight  
Yes/no?  
  
Luke:  
DID YOU REALLY TELL THEM YOU WEREN’T SURE  
I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU  
no i’m not ily i’m just kidding ilysm <3  
  
Reggie:  
YES  
YES  
  
Luke:  
BUT JULES WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY DID YOU TELL THEM YOU WEREN’T SURE  
  
Flynn:  
YES JULES YES  
  
Reggie:  
YES  
  
Luke:  
CALL THEM BACK RIGHT NOW  
  
Reggie:  
YES  
YES  
  
Julie:  
We need to wait for Alex!  


He ignores the rest of the messages beneath that and taps the text box and types out a quick message.

Alex:  
Call them back. We’re in  


"… we're playing the Orpheum," Alex says, staring at his phone screen in disbelief.

Willie lets out a huff of surprised laughter. "What? Alex, that's awesome!"

"It—we're playing a _showcase_ at the Orpheum," Alex expands. He looks up from his phone to Willie. "We're playing a showcase and we're the spotlight."

"And that's a good thing?"

"That—it—managers and execs are going to be coming _just_ to see us play. There are some that won't even bother showing up for the bands that go on before us, but they'll come for us."

"So it's a good thing," Willie confirms. Alex nods. Willie pops out of his chair and walks over to Alex and wraps his arms around him and Alex is too shocked to even think about this being their first hug. Because holy _shit_ they're playing the Orpheum.

The first time they played the Orpheum had been a fluke, in all honesty. The assistant to the talent manager had stumbled across their video on YouTube only minutes before they got the call that the opening band had gotten food poisoning, and, since they lived in LA and came cheap, the talent manager agreed easily and Julie and the Phantoms was Live at the Orpheum for the first time in their lives. But this? A showcase? A _spotlight?_ This isn't a fluke. This isn't because they're cheap, this isn't an easy agreement from the talent manager. This is something that takes months to decide, is planned out months in advance so they can focus the opening bands on fitting the sound of the spotlight's. This isn't a fluke—this is—this is—consequence. Of everything they've done up to this point, of every late night songwriting session, every pub they've played, every video they've recorded and posted, every missed beat or wrong note or false start. Everything they've learned from and grown from, everything they've spent their blood, sweat, and tears on.

He hugs Willie back.

God, it's just a showcase, but.

A showcase is just the beginning.

He feels it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope the texts felt worth it—it was a pretty massive time skip—we went from October 12th to December 12th—but I wanted to find some way to show them becoming more comfortable with each other. Those weren’t all of their text interactions over that time period, just lil snippets showing their friendship growing. Had to end with Alex feeling comfortable enough to even jokingly say ‘I love you’ to his crush because even though he did that, he was 100% over thinking that the entire time he was waiting for Willie in the lounge. 
> 
> Yeah so the song mentioned that Alex wrote? I actually wrote it. It’s [here](https://youtu.be/kAjPKDtl1G4) if you wanna hear it (the lyrics are also posted in the description of the video if you’re Deaf/HOH/don’t want to listen but want to know the lyrics). The lyrics are spoiler-free and it is sappy af. It’s not like… JATP level music? because I’m not a songwriter and it’s a cappella bc my guitar and keyboard are both up in storage but I Tried My Best and that’s what counts lmao. When I wrote it into the fic that he wrote a song I challenged myself to actually write it. It was a fun challenge!! I’ve missed music—I left music in 2013 and this is the first song I’ve written since then. I don’t necessarily know if it’s gonna make me dive back in, but I’ll definitely start dabbling again. 
> 
> Find me at [sunsetcurbed](https://sunsetcurbed.tumblr.com) on tumblr!


	6. sometimes we gotta lean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of the new quarter comes with some new expected challenges.  
> First, new classes.  
> Second, new professors.  
> Third, Willie.  
> And then there’s the unexpected challenge of the flu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I [met a dalmatian for the first time in my life today](https://imgur.com/a/v12ofFb) and not only was he a dalmatian but he was a dalmatian PUPPY and I’m in love and now I want a puppy. I met up with friends (following all recommended Covid protocols!!) with our dogs because my friend just got said dalmatian puppy and he finished up his shots a few weeks ago so we could finally meet him and introduce him to our dogs. We also all have service dogs (it's how we met) and we have to keep up with their training even during Covid. A few of us have the vaccine, and we're all very conscious and careful. :) Please everyone stay safe and make smart decisions. ANYWAYS THE POINT TO THIS STORY (apart from showing off a cute puppy): because I’m me I thought about Willex at one point while I was with them and I got home and started working on a Willex dog sport AU (all of us are involved in dog sports). It’s probably just gonna be a one shot but. Someone send help. 
> 
> Anyways moving on. 
> 
> Thank you as always for the love!! I appreciate it as always and hope you enjoy this chapter!! 
> 
> warnings: emetophobia. nothing graphic but there is vague description of vomiting
> 
> Chapter title from Edge of Great by Julie and the Phantoms.

The start of the new quarter comes with some new, expected challenges.

First, new classes. He had gotten into a rhythm with his old classes, had gotten used to the intensity and had known what to expect from them. He knew what to prioritize, he knew what he struggled with, and he knew what he could get away with slacking off on if he needed to make time elsewhere. A new quarter meant he needed to relearn all of this. His classes this quarter were a step up, as to be expected, and he knew he was going to have to reallocate his time once he learned the lay of the land of these new classes. They would be more challenging and while he was _up_ for the challenge, he also had the fear that he wouldn't be able to rise to it.

Second, new professors. Sure, this goes hand in hand with new classes, but… new professors are daunting. He'd gotten to know all of his fairly well, made note to take as many classes as he could from the two of them in his fields, but he'd only managed to get one of the same professors from last quarter. He'd gone from Financial Accounting I, Music Theory I, Writing, and Astronomy to Financial Accounting II, Music Theory II, Business Statistics, and Introduction to Composition. He'd managed to keep his Music Theory professor and he got along really well with him, so that was a positive. (Plus, he has the class with Reggie this quarter, so that is another plus.) But his main concern was the unknowns in his three new professors. What if they were poor teachers? What if they were strict and overbearing? What if they just didn't get along?

Third, Willie. Winter break had been… it had been different. He'd grown so used to living with Willie that falling asleep and waking up alone in his room was a bit lonely. He'd grown so used to Willie mumbling a good morning to him every morning, gotten so used to having someone to talk about his day to as he fell asleep. But… it hadn't been all that different because every morning there was a text from Willie waiting for him, a simple _good morning!_ and every night they would text back and forth about their days, about their families, about everything and anything and nothing at all. It wasn't in person, but it still filled Alex's chest with a warmth that he didn't have a name for, so… he counted it. But now that he's back with Willie, that warmth has increased tenfold and Alex feels like… like something has _changed_. It feels like maybe it had changed before break, but he just hadn't had the time to make note of it with finals, but. He's made note of it now. He can't quite put his finger on exactly what it is, but there's a different current in the air now whenever they're together, and it's stronger and makes the hairs on Alex's arms stand on edge.

And then there's the _un_ expected challenge of the flu.

Alex wakes up one day with a sore throat, a headache, a fever, and the feeling he's about to be sick. He doesn't even have time to climb down from his bed—he slides off the side and grips the edge to catch himself at the last second and drops, and then rushes to the trash can and empties the contents of his stomach. He kneels on the floor next to the trash can and curses the fucking flu shot that he got for not doing a god damn thing, although he's not even sure if it is the flu since he knows puking isn't very common in adults with the flu but—

Campus doctor says it's the flu.

She sends Alex back to his dorm with a thermometer to monitor his temperature because his fever is 102, a sample bottle of Zofran for his nausea and vomiting, and an excuse written for the rest of the week of classes.

When he woke up that morning Willie had already been gone for his first class of the day, but when Alex gets back, he's sitting at his desk with his laptop open and notes next to him. Without looking up he says, "hey, you're back early."

"Yeah," Alex rasps, and Willie's head immediately snaps to him. "You might want to find someone to stay with for a few days."

"Shit," Willie says, standing up and walking towards him. Alex holds up a hand and Willie stops. "What's wrong?"

"Flu."

Willie grimaces. "Did you go to Ashe?"

"Yeah," Alex says. He takes out the papers and medicine and thermometer the doctor gave him and shows Willie. "They're the ones who told me I had the flu. They gave me everything I need though, see?"

"Do you need anything? Gatorade? Crackers? I can run and get those for you, I can—"

"I think the band was gonna stop and grab something," Alex says. They definitely weren't, but they would if Alex texted and asked them to. Gatorade and crackers sounded perfect right now—that is if he could actually manage to keep them down—but god if Willie brought them to him he'd be done for. He's already in a weakened state, having Willie helping him in his weakened state would just be asking for trouble.

Willie nods. "What do you need now?"

"I—nothing," Alex says. "I'm probably just gonna lay on the ground and sleep," he admits.

"On… the ground?"

Alex nods, and then reaches a hand out for something to grab onto to steady himself because—nodding. Not a good idea right now. Willie reaches for him and grabs his elbow. Alex closes his eyes, hand clutched on his bed frame and Willie supporting him on the other side.

"God, Alex, you're burning."

"Yeah," Alex says. He blinks his eyes open slowly and sees Willie staring at him with a genuine look of concern. "They gave me a thermometer to watch my temperature. You—you really shouldn't be touching me. And you should find somewhere to stay for the next few days."

"Do you really think it's a good idea for you to be left on your own?" Willie asks skeptically. Still, he releases Alex's elbow and steps back.

"I'll be fine. I'm going to be sleeping the whole time anyways. Or puking. And I don't want you to have to deal with puke, because then you'd puke."

"I'm not a sympathetic puker, I'll be fine."

Alex blinks. "I didn't know people like that existed."

Willie laughs. "Go lay down. Are you sure you don't want me to go get you Gatorade?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," Alex says, taking a seat on the ground and then reclining back so he's laying flat on the floor. Willie walks over, steps over him, reaches up on his bed, and drops his pillow next to him. Alex groans. "Thank you." Willie just responds with a laugh. Alex pulls his phone out.

julie and the flynntstones  
  
Alex:  
Quick I’m sick, someone go get me gatorade and crackers before Willie does and makes me fall more in love with him  
  
Reggie:  
im sry what?  
  
Julie:  
Oh, Alex.  
  
Flynn:  
reggie pls tell me ur not surprised by this info  
  
Reggie:  
noo but i wasnt expecting alex to admit it today bc of a gatorade and crackers crisis  
  
Luke:  
awwww buddy!! we’re happy for you  
  
Alex:  
Are you happy that I’m sick or that I’m hopelessly in love with my roommate  
Because both of those are pretty shitty situations so like  
  
Julie:  
Alex you know he likes you too right?  
  
Reggie:  
lol hopelessly that’s funny  
  
Alex:  
No he doesn’t  
  
Flynn:  
omg alex dude willie loves u  
  
Luke:  
to quote reggie: you guys ooze chemistry  
  
Alex:  
Luke don’t do that  
  
Luke:  
i do what i want  
  
Flynn:  
hate to agree with a sentence that has the word ooze in it but u guy do  
  
Alex:  
Guys I just want someone to get me gatorade and crackers I don’t want to talk about me and Willie  
  
Julie:  
I’ll pick some up on my way back from class!  
  
Alex:  
You’re the only one I love  
  
Reggie:  
except willie  
  
Flynn:  
except willie  
  
Luke:  
except willie  
  
Julie:  
Aw, I love you too.  
  
Alex:  
The only love in my life exists for Julie, fuck everyone else  
  
Julie:  
But to be fair, if you scroll up…  
  
Alex:  
My life is loveless and I’m going to die without loving anyone, ever  


"Are you really going to stay?" Alex frowns after tossing his phone to the side.

Willie had taken a seat at his desk again while Alex was texting them, and he made no movements to make it look like he was running for cover. His laptop was still open, his notes were still out, and his backpack was still lying behind him, opened and empty. "I'm really going to stay. I got the flu shot."

"So did I!" Alex yells, but it comes out sounding pathetic with the amount of rasp in his voice and the nasally quality due to his congestion. "God, Willie, just—can't you ask Micah or Brandon if you can stay with them? Imagine if you had the flu—would you really want to run the risk of me catching it?"

Willie stares at him for a long moment and then sighs. He grabs his phone and taps out a message to someone before setting it back down. "I'll see what they say. But I—"

Oh god.

Alex scrambles up and over to the trash can and retches into it but next to nothing substantial comes up—just the water he'd been drinking and bile. He'd already gotten everything else out this morning. He continues to heave into the can but at some point it just turns into coughing, hacking coughs where it comes from the back of his throat and he can feel it in his lungs and oh god make it stop, make it stop, make it stop—

He gasps for breath and sits back on his feet as he braces himself against the wall. His eyes are filled with tears and his nose is running and his lungs are burning and his stomach is turning and—he's miserable.

"Fuck," he hears from close behind him, and he turns to see Willie crouching a few feet away. "Are you good now?"

"Yeah," Alex chokes out.

Willie frowns. He stands up and looks down at Alex. Alex feels so, so small. "I don't think I should leave you—"

"Yes, you definitely should," Alex cuts him off. "You have yourself to worry about."

"I have you to worry about too."

Oh for fuck's sake. Alex can't deal with this shit right now. He's already miserable enough as it is without the added reminder of his hopeless crush. "You're going," he says.

"I'm not—"

"Did Brandon or Micah text back?"

"Micah, but—"

"Just _go_ ," Alex says.

"Alex, you—"

"Willie—"

"I'm not—"

"Willie—"

"You're—"

" _God, just fucking go!_ " Alex whines, curling in on himself. He can't fucking deal with this right now. He's so fucking miserable and the thought of Willie getting sick because he thinks Alex can't take care of himself—it's too much. Listen, Alex knows he sucks at taking care of himself. But he doesn't want Willie to suffer because of his ineptitude.

Willie stares at him, jaw dropped open but then it snaps shut. He shoves himself to his feet and stomps over to his desk and Alex buries his head in his arms, hiding his face. He listens as Willie throws things into his backpack, as he pulls down his duffle and opens his closet and throws clothes in there. There are zippers being zipped and velcro being velcroed and Alex feels like this is more monumental than it actually is. God, Willie is just going to stay with a friend because Alex is sick but Alex feels like he's just kicked Willie out of a home from the way that Willie is acting.

Like, he did kind of have to nudge him—push him, shove him—into going to stay with Micah, but Willie is treating this like it's so much worse than it is. He's stayed the night with Micah before when they stayed up too late working on a project, so Alex knows it's not really that that's the issue. It's not a genuine inconvenience because if it was, Willie wouldn't have texted them in the first place. Willie is treating this as if it's the end of the fucking world, as if Alex is asking him to do something absolutely life altering instead of staying with a friend for a few days so he doesn't catch the flu.

There's some more noise and then Willie says, "don't fucking die," and then the door swings shut and Alex is left alone with the sound of his labored breathing. His ears are ringing and he's not sure if it's from the flu or from the sudden silence.

He ties off the bag that was in the garbage can and replaces it with a new one. He grabs his keycard and takes the bag out to the garbage can by the elevators that the janitors clean out once a day, and returns back to his room before he can run into anyone. When he gets back in his room he moves over to where he'd made a space for himself on the ground and curls up.

Mom  
  
**01/12/22** 14:24   
Mom:  
How were classes today? :)   
  
Alex:  
I didn’t go, I was at the doctor   
I caught the flu   
  
Mom:  
:(   
  
Alex:  
No it’s fine I’m okay   
  
Mom:  
Glad to hear that! :) Did you get class notes from anyone?   
  
Alex:  
Not yet. I will.  
  
Mom:  
How are you feeling?   
  
Alex:  
Fine. I can’t go to class because I’m contagious but I’ll get notes and email my professors, no worries.   
  
Mom:  
Ok ly! <3   
  
Alex:  
Love you too   
  


There's a knock at his door god knows how much later and he gets up to answer it slowly, wanting to avoid any occurrences of spinning rooms. When he finally opens the door, he finds Julie and Flynn on the other side, loaded with grocery bags. Flynn lifts her arms. "We brought the good stuff."

Alex smiles at her and steps aside to let them in, knowing he's too weak to carry all that they'd brought right now. They move into the room and make a beeline for his desk, setting the bags down off to the side, right in reach of where he'd been laying. He figures that they saw his pillow and put two and two together.

Julie turns to him. "There was a sale on Gatorade so we got you ten thirty-two ounce bottles, and then we got you saltines and Club crackers and rice cakes. Hopefully at least one of those will sound good."

"God, I wish I could hug you right now," Alex mumbles, rubbing his face with his hands. "Thank you."

"I'll take a rain check," Julie says.

"I won't," Flynn says from next to her, and pulls out her phone. "Get your phone out because we're Facetiming. I'm taking my hug in the form of you dishing about Willie. Expect our call in a minute."

Julie frowns. "We should really let him rest—"

"He can rest after," Flynn says, and grabs Julie's hand in hers and drags her to the door. "Get your phone, Alex!"

Alex groans as the door shuts behind his two friends and he moves over to where he was laying and flops on the floor. "Shit," he says to himself and buries his face in his pillow. He stays like that, wallowing in his physical and mental misery until his phone starts buzzing next to him. He accepts his fate—he knows Flynn: if he doesn't answer, she'll call back once or twice more and if he still doesn't answer, she'll be right back down here again—and answers the call. Flynn is the only one on screen but Alex knows Julie is lurking—she's trying to put off the _feel_ of respect for his privacy, but he knows she's just as curious and that she's listening.

Flynn smiles sweetly at him through the camera. "First—how are you feeling?"

"Do you even care about that?" Alex asks.

She gasps. "Alex. I am _offended_ you would imply such things about me."

"Flynn may not care but _I_ do," Julie's voice calls.

He's honest with them. "I have the fucking flu. I've thrown up like, five times today. I have a fever and I can't breathe and my entire body hurts. I feel like shit, guys."

Flynn's smile slips off her face. "Oh, bud," she murmurs, a rare moment of tenderness coming out to shine. She stares at the camera for a long moment and looks off to the side, then back. "We can do this later—"

"No," Alex says. "No, it's fine. Honestly, I'm not tired so I'm not going to sleep, just lay here, so like. Might as well make use of the time."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it's—I'm sure. I'd rather not do this at all but if we don't do this now I know you're going to corner me later."

"Oh, a hundred percent," Flynn confirms. She shifts around on her bed and Alex sees Julie come into the frame. Julie smiles at him. "So. Tell us all about Willie."

"I don't even know what you want to know."

"Everything," Flynn says with a roll of her eyes. "You've heard me talk about my crushes before—"

"Oh god, I'm _not_ waxing poetics about his eyebrows like you do with Carrie."

" _Ugh_ ," Flynn huffs. "Just—how long have you liked him? What made you like him? What's something special you two do together—or… something special to you? It doesn't need to be huge, like Carrie and me sit at my desk together to study instead of her sitting at her own, you know? Not huge, but special to me. Just… just things like that."

So Alex tells them about meeting Willie and falling for him—literally and figuratively—that first moment. He tells them about the struggle he had about feeling drawn to him so immediately and how he couldn't explain it and how it's only increased since then. How his attraction has grown, yes, but his feelings have developed and built up over time. He mentions the feeling he got early on—that the groundwork of their relationship had already been there and everything since then they've simply been adding to it. And he tells them about Willie's mind, his heart, his hopes and dreams. How all together, those things make him so, so easy to adore, so, so easy to love. Then he goes on to tell them about their forts, about how they tuck themselves away from the world and how Alex's anxiety doesn't exist within the cover of the duvet. He tells them that Willie is present in his life, is constant in his life, is necessary in his life. He tells them, simply, that he loves him.

"' _But the foundations were there_ ,'" Julie murmurs. "Your song is about Willie."

"Uh. Yeah. It is."

"Boy writes a love song and you're surprised it's about Willie?" Flynn asks Julie, giving her a skeptical look.

"Well—not exactly—"

"Hey," Alex huffs, but his lungs aren't working properly so it turns into a coughing fit. He drops his phone and silence falls on the other end of the phone as they listen to him hacking up his lungs, and he can hear them whispering to each other, but he can't make out what they're saying, not in the middle of his fit. A minute or two later he manages to catch his breath and wipe his eyes free of tears. He picks his phone back up and only Julie is left in the frame. He frowns. "Where's Flynn?" he manages to get out.

"She's bringing you down cough drops."

He loves his friends.

Minutes later he's got a cough drop in his mouth and Flynn is back on screen.

"You know Willie loves you too, right?" Flynn asks.

Alex frowns. "No he doesn't."

"Alex—that boy is stupid for you."

"No he's not."

" _Ugh_ ," Flynn groans, and drops her head forward. "Alex, he—"

"Flynn, please," Alex sighs. "I—I already feel shitty enough physically. Let's not add mentally or emotionally on to this."

"But—"

"Flynn," Julie says, putting a hand on Flynn's arm. Flynn cuts off. Julie looks at Alex through the camera and frowns. "She'll drop it for now."

"Fine, Mom, Dad," Flynn grumbles.

Alex laughs. "I know it must be awful not to talk about _my_ crush. Would it make you feel better to talk about your own?"

"It _would_ actually—" and then, like every other time Flynn is granted the opportunity to talk about Carrie, she's off. Alex listens to her and laughs when Julie interrupts with things that Flynn or Carrie did that were particularly embarrassing. While Flynn and Carrie are technically dating at this point, and they're both smoother than Alex could ever hope to be, they're still awkward eighteen year olds and Julie has plenty of stories to add. Like when Flynn made Carrie laugh a little too hard when she was eating breakfast and Carrie spewed food over Flynn's shirt. Or when Flynn sneezed while she was holding Carrie's hand and used Carrie's hand to cover her mouth. Or when Carrie came back from a party sometime after midnight and crawled up the wrong lofted bed and into Flynn's instead of her own and Flynn woke up yelling.

Julie carries on with stories and Flynn takes them standing—she doesn't even flinch on some of the ones that Alex would be hiding his face from. Eventually though, they move on to different topics—classes and the band and a new show that Julie and Flynn started watching that they're trying to convince Alex to watch. He doesn't feel lonely even though normally he'd have Willie here with him, even though he can still feel the absence of Willie. At least, he doesn't feel lonely until Julie and Flynn finally hang up sometime around six so they can go get dinner, and he's left in the silence of his room. He turns on his side and closes his eyes and hopes, wishes, prays for sleep, and is granted it within minutes.

Willie  
  
**01/12/22** 21:34   
Willie:  
still alive?  
  
Alex:  
Figured out you could text me huh  
  
Willie:  
i may have had a lapse in thinking  
you didn’t answer my question i could be texting a ghost  
  
Alex:  
If I died I’d be too anxious to text you because I’d be dead  
  
Willie:  
you know what that’s fair  
how are you feeling?  
  
Alex:  
Oh peachy  
I haven’t thrown up in 45 minutes I think that’s my new record  
  
Willie:  
jesus  
you’re sure you don’t need to go to the er?  
  
Alex:  
My temperature is still below 103  
  
Willie:  
yeah but you’re probably really dehydrated  
  
Alex:  
Oh  
  
Willie:  
alex  
  
Alex:  
If I can’t keep down a gatorade by tomorrow morning I’ll go  
  
Willie:  
is that the best i’m gonna get  
  
Alex:  
Yeah  
  
Willie:  
i’ll take it but please keep me updated and if you have any symptoms like elevated heart rate or lightheadedness call me and i’ll get micah and we’ll take you  
  
Alex:  
I will  
  
Willie:  
drink and sleep, i’ll check in tomorrow and if you don’t answer by ten am i’m coming by so set alarms if you need to  
  
**01/13/22** 07:56   
Willie:  
still alive?  
  
Alex:  
I still haven’t thrown up since you texted last night  
  
Willie:  
progress  
  
Alex:  
Progress  
  
Willie:  
have you been drinking a lot?  
  
Alex:  
I’ve been trying but I don’t know what counts as a lot  
  
Willie:  
try and drink a cup of water every hour plus whatever gatorade you drink  
  
Alex:  
Based on what  
  
Willie:  
google  
  
Alex:  
Thanks Doctor Google  
  
Willie:  
thanks i printed my phd for 4 cents at UCLA  
  
Alex:  
Wow do they have a good medical program  
  
Willie:  
i wouldn’t know i didn’t go i just used their printer  
  
Alex:  
That’s fair  
  
Willie:  
i’m gonna stop by after class because i forgot my earbuds so i’ll bring more gatorade  
do you need more crackers?  
  
Alex:  
That implies that I’ve eaten any of the crackers that Jules got for me  
  
Willie:  
s u s t e n a n c e, alex  
  
Alex:  
V o m I t, Willie  
  
Willie:  
i thought you said you weren’t throwing up  
  
Alex:  
I’m not but I don’t wanna start again if I eat  
  
Willie:  
fine  
i’ll be there around 10:15-30  
  
**01/14/22** 12:07   
Willie:  
god i love micah but you’re a much better roommate  
  
Alex:  
The highest form of a compliment  
  
Willie:  
don’t let it get to your head  
  
Alex:  
It already is  
  
Willie:  
remember that time you locked yourself out  
  
Alex:  
Fuck you  
  
Willie:  
that’s how i feel about you  
  
Alex:  
Then you must really hate Micah  
I just texted him and he said he’s kicking you out so your sorry ass can get the flu  
  
Willie:  
god what is the point of having friends  
  
Alex:  
I ask myself that question every day  
  
Willie:  
how are you feeling today  
  
Alex:  
Sore and shitty but marginally better  
My fever is down below 102 finally and not only is it below 102 but it’s below 101  
  
Willie:  
progress  
i’m about to call you on purpose answer the phone  
  
**01/14/22** 22:29   
Willie:  
sorry again i had to hang up so quick earlier i forgot i was meeting micah and brandon for dinner  
  
Alex:  
You’re fine I had work to do anyway  
I got it all done though  
  
Willie:  
well you’re one step ahead of me but at least it’s the weekend  
  
Alex:  
I have a shitton to make up so even with the weekend I wouldn’t have time  
  
Willie:  
oh yeah you’ve been a lazy ass and sleeping the past two days  
  
Alex:  
Fuck off  
  
Willie:  
fuck off  
  
Alex:  
I’m going to be a lazy ass and sleep some more so maybe you can actually come back by Sunday  
  
Willie:  
kick that virus’ ass  
  
**01/15/22** 13:16   
Willie:  
better?  
  
Alex:  
I don’t wish I was dead anymore and my fever broke this morning  
  
Willie:  
progress  
  
Alex:  
I ate this morning too and I was gonna text you but I wanted to see how long it’d take you to text me  
  
Willie:  
i was trying not to hover  
  
Alex:  
:( Don’t you care about me anymore  
  
Willie:  
no  
  
Alex:  
:(  
  
Willie:  
you conspired with micah earlier to make me get the flu  
  
Alex:  
We didn’t follow through on it though  
  
Willie:  
it’s the thought that counts  
  
Alex:  
If it was the thought that counted you’d have the flu right now  
  
Willie:  
see this kind of attitude is why i don’t care about you anymore  
  
Alex:  
I texted Micah he’s my best friend now  
  
Willie:  
i texted him too and told him i don’t care about him anymore either  
  
Alex:  
Tell my best friend I said hi  
  
Willie:  
fuck off  
  
Alex:  
Tell my best friend he dodged a bullet with that Willie kid, seems like a real asshole  
  
Willie:  
fuck off  
and no i’m not telling your best friend anything  
  
Alex:  
See this kind of attitude is why I kicked you out  
  
Willie:  
you kicked me out because you have the FLU  
  
Alex:  
That’s your side of the story  
  
Willie:  
literally i’m coming home tomorrow  
  
Alex:  
Wait what if I’m still sick  
  
Willie:  
oh it’s ok you didn’t kick me out due to the flu or anything so it’s not like i have anything to worry about  
  
Alex:  
I’ll tell Micah to hide your laptop to keep you hostage  
  
**01/15/22** 19:56   
Alex:  
Thank you for calling, I feel that worked to my advantage because I sound Pathetic and got sympathy points  
  
Willie:  
i can’t believe you stayed on the phone for six hours when you sound like THAT  
wait amendment:  
i can’t believe you’re ALIVE when you sound like THAT  
  
Alex:  
I have a lot of hidden talents  
  
Willie:  
evading death is one of them?  
  
Alex:  
No talking even when it’s painful is one of them  
The death thing sounds cooler though can I change my answer  
  


By the time Willie comes back, Alex has already washed his bedding, the clothes that he'd been in all week, taken a shower, and disinfected as much of the room that he could with the wipes that Julie and Flynn brought him last night. He's assuming it smells like a hospital mixed with laundry detergent (he can't exactly smell it right now) but—Alex isn't taking any chances. He's mostly symptom free—his fever had broken over twenty-four hours ago and he's not got a pounding headache anymore—but he's still coughing. However, the doctor said he could be coughing for a week or two after and Alex isn't going to force Willie out of their room for two weeks. Besides, Alex is going back to classes tomorrow and Willie would argue that if he's running the risk of infecting the innocent populace of UCLA, then he could run the risk of infecting Willie.

Willie pulls a face when he walks in the room, clearly overwhelmed by the smells. Alex wants to laugh, but he knows that if he does he'll be sent into a coughing fit, so he bites down on his lip and watches Willie venture into the room and adjust slowly to the smell. He sets down his backpack on his desk chair and drops his duffle to the floor and then turns to Alex. He looks him up and down. "You survived."

"You didn't really think you were talking to my ghost, did you?"

"You're in a band called Julie and the _Phantoms_ , I was scared destiny was catching up with you," Willie tells him.

"No," Alex laughs. "You're my destiny, remember?"

Willie stares at him for a long moment, a soft smile on his face. "That's right. And I caught up with you on day one."

"I wouldn't call running me over with your skateboard _catching up_ with me…"

Willie giggles and turns to start unpacking his things. It's such a contrast to how Alex remembers last seeing him (since he had been asleep when Willie had stopped by to get his ear buds)—angry and upset—that he can barely focus on the present. Instead, he thinks about every moment that has brought them here, that has made them stronger than ever—because that's what the argument the other day has made them: stronger. He thinks: _and maybe every road that we went down, they brought us right to where we belong._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was half filler chapter, half important stuff. Either way, it’s essentially a transition and carrying us into next chapter, which… you’ll see when we get there. 
> 
> So I really like the texts a) because I get to use snarky Alex sometimes when I feel like I don’t really get to use him in the fic? Guys in my head Alex is SO sarcastic but the fic doesn’t offer many opportunities to show that so with the texts I’m like FINALLY and b) I can use it for certain things. Like in this chapter it doesn’t feel like Willie and Alex just completely ignore the fight and tension that was between them when Willie left. You see them repair it and you see them become stronger from it. And we get to see him... lie?? not be honest?? cover up the truth?? with his mom. And small things like that. 
> 
> Listen, we haven’t really gotten into much where I have too much to add in the author’s notes, so the other day I was asked on tumblr about details in this ‘verse (you can find the post [here](https://sunsetcurbed.tumblr.com/post/645203594245799937/i-dont-even-have-a-specific-question-for-trivia)) and I wanted to share a few of them here as well, but you can view the post for all of them!! I think I left off two or three. 
> 
> \- their first weekend together they went grocery shopping together. whole foods is about a fifteen minute walk and they decided they needed to stock up on stuff for when they didn’t feel like dining hall food, and they are _horrible_ shoppers. alex pushes the cart and willie puts the stuff in and 75% of the time willie puts something in the cart alex just. stops and stares at him. and goes “are you. are you sure about that.” because willie, what are they even going to use cherry barbeque sauce on? (”… we could just drink it straight from the bottle? it’s _cherry_ , alex” “no, willie.”) 
> 
> \- so i have a hc that in this particular ‘verse alex is allergic to cats. not severely, but like. still pretty bad. ucla has a campus cat, powell cat. willie finds out alex is allergic to cats when alex sees powell cat and _cannot resist_ going over and petting him and breaks out into hives. after that he tries to physically restrain alex from interacting with powell cat unless they’re on their way _back_ to their dorm, so he can take allergy meds and he’s not miserable walking around campus or wheezing at the rec center or whatever they’re on their way to do
> 
> \- as alex gets more confident in the blanket forts, he starts pulling willie in to cuddle. so instead of him using willie as a pillow, willie is using alex as a pillow. the first time this happens willie apologizes so much because he’s scared his hair is getting in the way, but alex just says it’s fine because like. it’s really not in the way. after the fourth or fifth time alex goes “oh my god it’s fine but if it’ll make you feel better, lift your head up” and willie does, and alex tucks willie’s hair between his chest and willie’s head and willie just kind of freezes and alex doesn’t understand why but willie is just full on bluescreening because he wasn’t expecting alex to do something so bold but alex doesn’t think it was bold he was just solving a problem and someone help these boys they’re messes 
> 
> \- willie wins a small crow sticker for winning a trivia game in one of his psych classes and he puts a piece of sticky tack on the back (he doesn’t peel the sticker because he’s indecisive and once you peel a sticker and stick it somewhere it’s final) and sticks it to the door and alex names the crow kyle and they refer to kyle as their third roommate and sometimes people who don’t know them think they live in a triple. they also started saying “bye willie/alex, bye kyle” as a joke when they leave, but it kind of stuck and now they do it without even thinking


End file.
